For Better Or for Worse - Back to Full Time work!

Having a full-time job is a bit like being in a serious relationship. It takes up all your time, it permanently occupies your mind and it can bring you amazing highs and horrible lows.  It can be very stressful.  It makes you leave the pub early.  Your colleagues became the family you've married into.  You spend more time in your marital house - your place of work - than your real house.  And, especially for teachers, you're expected to give everything for it.  In the end you're married to your job; til death do you part.

It's all a bit scary really.  Especially if, like me, you've had over a year to either do what you like or work very flexibly.  Obviously I was ill for a long time.  Up until February 2012 or perhaps later, I felt so unwell that the time was never that enjoyable.  I kept myself occupied and I managed but inside I often felt off-key; as if I was in the twilight zone.  (This feeling still ebbs back every so often but I know one day it will vanish.) It has only been recently that I've suddenly stopped and thought, 'I'm enjoying myself' fully and completely, without any hidden edge.  It is accompanied with a burst of pleasure and a strong sense of freedom; a winning combination.

So it's going to be hard to let go of that feeling when I'm back to the ball and chain from Monday.  Life is going to be given back to my career, one of my most serious relationships.  I'm back to a full-time post, for a whole school year! On Monday!  I am equally terrified and excited.  It feels like coming out of University and getting my first job again, except there are certain expectations there already.  These come not only from the post I occupy but also from myself.

I have high standards.   I can be a control freak.  These can be positive attributes in a teaching role as it means I prefer very good behaviour in my class and am very organised.  It also means I can beat myself up if I fall short and get very stressed when I discover I can't work all evening, keep the house clean, do the washing, go shopping and sleep.  I have to continuously negotiate with myself.

My main concerns are confidence based.  What if I can't manage anymore?  What if the expected workload is simply too high?  What if I get really tired?  (I love sleep.  One of the things I am most worried about is getting up at 6am everyday instead of 7.30-8am.  Hideous!)  What if I don't enjoy it anymore?  What if it's too stressful and the reminder of what happened gets in the way?

In a nutshell, it's the fear of failure that rings in my ears.

I have to remember that once I walk through those 70's swing doors, these worries will probably dissipate and be lost in the chatter of schoolchildren.

Because that's what is important to remember.

I've done it before.  I loved it.  I was good at it.  It might take me a little time to get up to speed (we have several new school structures, a new Head of English and 2 new GSCEs for me to get to grips with) but I have done it before, from scratch.  I could do it then and I will be able to do it again.  I must try to take it in my stride and enjoy it.

What have I learnt a-midst the horror and suffering of this past year?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.  JUST DO IT.  IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT...HAVE A GLASS OF WINE, WRITE AN ANGRY BLOG POST, THEN DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD!

Bruises, blisters and burns - Laser Surgery.

Yesterday I had laser surgery for the first time.  My main problem with it was the 'no drinking part.'  No drinking 4 days before the procedure and 2 weeks afterwards.  A dry bank-holiday...does such a thing exist?!  (For once I'm not talking about the weather!)

After I'd got over the shock of being a designated driver, I turned to the real concerns of laser surgery; bruises, blisters and burns.  Both to my credit and my detriment, I like to know what procedures involve.  It gives me a good idea of how things work and the results I can hope for.  It also gives me an over-blown, knees-knocking insight into, 'WHAT CAN GO WRONG.'

Have you ever read that piece of paper you get inside Paracetamol?  The flimsy, folded up small print covered in 50% instructions and 50% debilitating side-effects?   And that's just an over-the-counter remedy that people take without a care in the world.  You can only imagine what I'm like by the time I get to the hospital for my appointments.

Pulsed - dye laser treatment  is used for many skin conditions, including port-wine birthmarks, rosacea and acne-scarring.  It works by causing trauma to the scarred area and effectiveness increases when temporary bruising is caused.  From what I understand from my consultant, the blood vessels are destroyed and the cells broken down in the scarred skin.  However, the practitioner administering the treatment does not want to cause so much trauma that blisters and burns become present.  It's a fine line to walk.

The lady who treated me was very upfront about the treatment.  She said that blistering is a minimal risk.  As she administers the laser, she can see the skin changing.  This means she should be able to recognise a negative reaction in the skin; hyper-pigmentation, blistering or burning.  Hopefully I could expect the redness to ebb out of my scarring and possibly even see an improvement in the texture of the skin.  I signed my waver and off we went for a test round.

Laser has been around a while but seems a space-age thing to me!  The instrument that applies the pulse looks like one of those mini-whisks you use to froth up the milk in a coffee.  It is positioned over your skin and a ZAP! fills the air.  This is accompanied with a blinding, lightening-flash of blue-white light.  Blue lense glasses are required to protect your eyes from this Star Wars flare.

I had 2 shots of laser in 4 tiny areas, each about the diameter of a 5 pence piece.  This is to determine what results the laser will yield.  The first two areas were completely numb - I had no feeling at all.  This might be because my skin still has few or no nerve endings.  They were damaged during the burn and the graft procedure.  The two zaps further down my arm did sting and I am not sure how big an area I could cope with at a time.  The lady said she could stick to small areas and there is no rush.  There is no end to the course and I can have it for a year or more if needed.  So I guess we will take it slow!

Aloe Vera Gel was applied immediately and helped cool the zapped area down.  I was advised to apply it very regularly at home to aid healing.

Three areas went black immediately.  These are parts of the new scars from my most recent operation.  They didn't just bruise but turned deep black with a purple tinge.  It  looks similar to a large blood blister under the skin with a reddened outline.    They also swelled up quite a bit, considering how small the treated areas were.  I was a bit worried the swelling might pop into a blister but this morning they have gone down and are a bit flatter.

The worst area of scarring, the original burn scar, did nothing.  It didn't redden, blacken or swell.  It stayed the same! I imagine that means an increased pulse, or multiple 'zaps' can be used next time.  Especially as I didn't feel this one at all!

Before the treatment, in consultation, the lady said she has really good results with laser and hopefully we will see a positive change even in the little parts she has done.  I'm going back on October 12th to have another session.  Although this time the treatment was manageable both pain-wise and post-treatment-wise, I think having a larger area done at once could hurt.  It also might be quite shocking afterwards.  Having a few blood-blisters is one thing but having a large area of black skin might be hard to contend with.

Still, I am pleased that I've had the laser done.  Despite all the worry it was one of the less traumatic things I've had done and was far easier to cope with than the slicing pain of steroid injections.  I'm looking forward to the results...let's hope there's some improvement!

A previous post on laser - HERE 

The pursuit of holidayness - 50 shades of SPF and Flambe is not my friend!

As the plane landed on UK soil I felt an intense mixture of relief and pride.  I'd done it!  I'd set myself the challenge of going on holiday and I had succeeded.  In one year, I had completed one of my goals.

Challenge truly is the word to use.  Taking yourself from your comfort zone and experiencing a new country is daunting after a life-changing trauma.  I used to think nothing of sitting at close range to Greek Zorba dancing with flaming tables, snorkeling with sea-life or laying out in the searing sun.  Now everything feels like it could be a danger.  I am far more cautious nowadays.

This hyper-vigilance is something that had quietened down over the year and sat quietly in the background most of the time.  Yet in Turkey it reared it's irritating head once again, making it difficult to relax.  When you go on your first post-accident holiday, do expect this.  You are in a strange country with unfamiliar surroundings and you may be crazily observant and slightly illogical!

Before I list some of the things I found difficult, I must sing Turkey's praises.  We stayed near Side, a beautiful harbour town in Antalya.  The weather wavered between scorchers of 34 - 44 degrees Celsius and the vivid blue skies only emphasised the lush green of the country.  I was surprised - I expected Turkey to be reveal acres of parched, browned soil but instead it was lush; spilling over with greenery.  In fact, as the warm dusk fell, I looked out my coach window I could have been looking on English meadows complete with pylons!

We saw sea-turtles and dolphins, drank mojitos, bartered and went para-sailing.  Despite feeling on edge a lot of the time I must stress that I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the experience.

Fifty shades of SPF

The holiday read of the year it seems...and the advice of the year!  I managed to cope in the heat and sunlight with great preparation.  I never went out in the sun without my 50 SPF UV rash vest on.  On a boat trip I wore it the entire time and I couldn't have been without it.  In the sea and the pool I strutted around like it was a fashion item.  It was hot, sticky and uncomfortable.  BUT I didn't catch a single ray through it's 50 SPF weave and the 50 SPF I'd slathered on underneath.  It made me feel safer.

I was a patchwork of suncream!  I had thick, gloopy sunblock on my scars, even under my rash vest and on my donor site.

My face fared slightly better; it was treated to a better brand of 50 SPF suncream.  I made sure I also did my lips and ears, as I'd burned these in the accident.

The rest of me was covered in 30 SPF, regularly.  It was less thick and white than the 50!

Then...to top it all off...I sat in the shade.  We were lucky because our beach had a slight breeze and miles of canopies so I could lay in relative comfort.  Even through the 50 shades of SPF I developed a faint golden glow on legs and lower arms.  And despite these lengthy precautions, my face pigmented slightly, as did my lower arm.  It goes to show you can't be too careful.

Fakir shows, fire-eaters and flambe!

One of the most difficult things to contend with during the holiday was the Turkish love of fire.  I encountered flames on at least 5 occasions. These were not small flames, but flambes and fire-eating fuelled by petrol canisters.

Terrifying.

I had a horrible experience in the first week.  We booked the Cuban Restaurant at the hotel and we had just finished our soup starters when the maitre'd wheeled out a polished chrome trolley with a little gas ring on it, a single saucepan and a substantial glass of brandy.

I'm not sure if I've ever seen a flambe before and I was not prepared.  He stood at the table next to us and threw the alcohol in the pan.  WUMPH!!!  A huge explosion of flame roared up, filling my vision.  The orange and blue flames licked the ceiling.  Then it was gone.  I felt a roil of panic tsunami over me and the tears sprang to my eyes at such speed, I had no control.  I got up, left the restaurant immediately and could not return.

I don't normally have such a strong reaction to flames - if you're talking candles!  Yet the flambe and the fire-eaters I ran away from (twice) are a completely different fire-game.  They have an accelerent involved and an explosion is caused, similar in form to the one which harmed me last year.  This is why my reaction is so strong.

Other things you might encounter are sparklers, bonfires and flaming hoops!!!

Can you smell gas???

A more illogical pet hate of mine is the smell of gas or the appearance of gas canisters.  They make me feel stressed and on guard.  Unfortunately there were canisters everywhere.  Staff wheeled them from area to area and they were often very obviously placed.  Some shops even had drums pinioned to steel struts above their roofs, providing their abode with gas.  Occasionally a whiff of gas floated towards you, enough to alert my internal panic alarm.

I was also a bit concerned about the music on the speed-boat and the pirate boat.  Electrical wires snaked threateningly out of the speakers and systems, winding their insidious way across damp decks and basking in the baking sun.  Water and electric....???  Hmmmm.  I tried turn my mind away from these constant observations and concentrate on the inspiring lyrics of J-Lo and Casper being pumped out instead.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mostly I knew my safety concerns were groundless but knowing this doesn't make you feel much better about it!  The one thing that did make me feel better was SLEEP!!!  It sounds silly but when I was over-tired I became paranoid about things like the above.  Getting over-tired is pretty impossible to avoid when travelling but on holiday you must get enough sleep (and not drink too much) otherwise you will be as jumpy as a kangaroo.  Once I'd had a good night's kip my concern over gas canisters seemed laughable and the previous night's fire antics seemed a distant nightmare....almost.

And they all holidayed happily ever after.

It was wonderful to be able to do what the old me could do.  This was enough in itself to boost my confidence and of course...book the next holiday!  I'll dust off my vests, dig out the sun-cream and travel the world.  (Ok....the Canary Islands.)   Bring it on!  

Project Holiday!

Although I haven't expressly been told not to go on holiday to a hot country, the burns unit look at me with trepidation whenever I mention it. 'You do know you're not allowed to catch the sun or you'll hyper-pigment / burn easily / cause skin damage / WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!!' 

I am not about to miss out on another Summer or a family holiday because I have had an accident.  It especially riles me because the accident was not my fault (as so often accidents aren't) and I don't see why I should suffer for other's actions.  Anyway.... if I'm told I can't do something I will interpret that as a challenge and I have treated the countdown to the beautiful beaches of Turkey as a project.  I believe that in a situation like this, the answer to enjoyment is ORGANISATION!!!

SUN-CARE

First and fore-most, a burn injury means you can't sunbathe.  However, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the sun.  Most sun advice applies to anyone, injured or not.  Here's your sun survival kit!

• Sun cream for body.  Don't bother trying to get away with a lower SPF than 50 otherwise you will worry about it or even worse, burn.  Especially if you haven't seen the sun for more than a year anyway.  
• Sun cream for face.  I get spots from sun-cream so it's worth getting a face-specific cream.  I like La Roche Posay Fluide-Extreme Anthelios.
• A hat.  There are plenty of hats out there!  I'd get a cap for swimming in (very TOWIE) and a large, poser-ish, wide brimmed number for reclining on the lounger, under an umbrella.
• Sunglasses.  I was burned around my eyes so giant, fabulous sunglasses provide extra coverage.
• UV rash vests 50SPF. As I intend to swim and go on a boat trip, I need more protection in the water than cream can provide.  The vests also work like spanx and give you a great shape whilst covering upper body scarring.  Score!  I have bought the O'Neill long sleeved one with a matching bikini and a short sleeved one too.

• A parasol.  I had a parasol last year and it was ace.  It means you don't have to panic about your sun-cream not being strong enough when you are wandering around eating ice-creams.  They can be very glamourous.  Make sure they are UV.  They also prevent you annoying other people by avoiding 'sun-panic.'  (I can't sit there! I'm too hot! Can we sit in the shade?  Note: however understanding people are, they will get tired of sun-panic after 2 weeks of hearing it!  It is up to you to make sure you don't have it.)

THE BODY BEACH 'LOOK'

If, like me, you've been having operations and you've been avoiding the sun, you might be feeling like a jelly-fish; wobbly and translucent.  It is worth taking some small steps to make yourself feel like the beach-babe you'd like to be!  Before 'burn-gate' I used to travel quite a lot and I would literally book it, pack the night before and hop on the plane.  This year, I have much more to address in order to feel 'holiday-ready.'  Call it vain....yes it's vain.  But I want to feel the best I can at this difficult time in my life.

• Spray tan!  If you're not able to go in the sun, it's worth having a spray tan.  I had trouble getting any one to do the tan as I am still under the hospital.  In the end, I was just going to have my legs done.  However, after further discussion, the lady is happy to spray all of me provided I cover my arm injuries in a tubi-grip.  Having a bit of colour will eradicate any lingering desire to sun-bathe and boost my self-confidence.
• Self-tan!  If you're uncomfortable with people seeing you, scars an' all, you might fancy self tanning.  I have just bought St Tropez gradual tanning to apply each night as I know my spray-tan won't last 2 weeks.  There are lots of products on the market these days and they don't smell like biscuits anymore!  When you use it, just avoid injury-areas if they are still being treated or sensitive at all.  And with all tans........PATCH TEST, PATCH TEST, PATCH TEST!  Leave 48 hours and do several areas including behind the ear and on your forearm.

Picture from Super Gorgeous Blog LDN:SKINS Gradual Tan

• Waxing.  It's worth considering waxing as you will have enough body maintenance with all the massaging and injury care.  Something else you don't need to worry about!
• Hair.  If you have your hair regularly cut get an appointment in just before you go.  I have highlights and I'm going to have some bleach-beach blonde put in around my face as if I have been in the sun....cheat!  I've also been growing it long so it helps cover the scarring on my chest.
• Body.  You have to be kind to yourself and remember your body has been through a lot.  It might not be feeling like your old body.  2 weeks before my holiday I've made sure I've been eating better, drinking less alcohol and I've been doing regular exercise every day.  Even if it's only walking, it does make you feel better.  I've been stretching my muscles too, in front of the TV!  Another tip is to dry body brush and then vigorously massage in firming cream.  Pummel those thighs if you can! You will feel much better for it.  Taking an interest in your body now, for two weeks, will get you reacquainted with it.

THE HOLIDAY WARDROBE

Let's face it, I don't really want to bare my scars to the unforgiving world.  So my usual Summer clothes all went to the charity shop and I started again.   Evening wear is particularly difficult if you are covering up and need to be both cool and fashionable. The best place to find exactly what you need is online.  I also bought lots of pretty, floaty tops from charity shops to wear on the beach.  Here's my holiday list...

• A variety of kaftans or loose, glamourous tops to wear over top half to waft around the pool in.  I also bought a net, fringed poncho to wear over my bikini.  Think about how you are going to make your swim wear comfortable for you, considering what you'd like to cover up.  I think the covered-up look is more sexy anyway. Very few people look wonderful almost-naked!!!
• UV surfer chick rash vests.  Great for swimming.
• Long sleeved, floaty maxi-dresses.  Cover everything!
• Lots of one sleeved dresses/tops to cover my arm but get that less-clothed holiday look!
• I scoured the high-street for shorts and a denim mini-skirt that were long enough to cover my pigmented graft leg.  In the end, supermarkets came to the rescue! I also had a go at making my own denim skirt and a pair of shorts from jeans.  Then I could choose the exact length appropriate to me.
• As my neck is still quite scarred, I have lots of chunky necklaces to detract attention.

RANDOM THINGS TO CONSIDER.

• Air-conditioning. If you're going to wear compression garments you need to be comfortable when you sleep.  Book your accommodation wisely!
• Pool-side umbrellas.  Check with the hotel how many umbrellas they have...is it a very limited number?  You might just have to get up really early....now, where's my towel......!?
• Alternative entertainment.  Consider taking lots of books and be prepared to retreat to an air-conditioned bar/room if it gets too hot for you.
• Hand wash/washing facilities.  I'm only packing a couple of compression vests as the rest of the valuable room in my case is reserved for more exciting clothes-wear!  I am going to hand-wash my vests as I am only wearing them overnight.  Check washing facilities as compression garments can't be washed at too high a temperature/with softener.
• Enough medication/creams and back-up for anything you're susceptible too.  Goes without saying but worth mentioning!  Anti-histamine is a good idea too...in case the hot weather causes skin irritation.
• Travel Insurance. You might need special insurance if you have unusual circumstances or have recently had surgery.  CHECK!

So there you go.  No reason that you can't go on holiday, as long as you are organised.  Go with the mindset to enjoy yourself.  Prepare for the trip by doing all the things you can to make it easier for yourself.  I am counting down the days and I have lists coming out my ears!!!  I can't wait to doll-up in a kaftan, perch in the shade and read 50 Shades of a high-brow novel with a cocktail by my side and a pint of water at the other!  

So I'll be quiet for a couple of weeks but I'm sure I'll have a lot to say when I return.... 

Confession on Compression!

THIS IS WHAT YOU BRITS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!  ANOTHER SCORCHER OF A DAY WITH HIGHS REACHING 30 DEGREES INLAND.  MUGGY AND CLOSE AROUND MANY LOCATIONS WITH BOILING SUNSHINE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

Thanks Daybreak.

It's official.

After wearing my compression vests 24/7 (and I would like to emphasise that 24/7 does mean exactly that.  They are removed only for showering.  I exercise and sleep in them too.)  I was near breaking point anyway.  But when breaking point merged to boiling point  I lasted one day in 30 degree sunshine.  As the temperature soared I had to relent and take them off.  I was so uncomfortable, itchy and sore.  I actually felt ill from the heat  and was really, really angry.  Anything my man said to me received a snappy answer.  

So off they came!!!

Firstly I went through the guilt.  Ten months is a long time but it pales in significance compared to the two years plus I am prescribed to wear these evil garments.  I really don't want to undo all my good work in a matter of days.  I had already prepared to take them off for 2 weeks on my holiday to Turkey and only wear them in the air-conditioned room when sleeping.  I comforted myself by acknowledging that if I still wore them for 12 hours overnight I would be uncompressed for only 1 week!  

Not wearing the vests in this weather really is amazing.  It is a feeling I can't really describe to the uninjured.  When I first went out without one on the air actually made my skin tingle.  I hadn't had fresh air on my bare skin for ten whole months.  I wasn't prepared for my clothes to chafe though.  Where my skin was so baby new and desensitised to touch I could feel the material against me.  Luckily that sensation vanished very quickly!

Another plus is the final stitch from my recent operation (which had gone quite nasty) finally worked it's way out in the fresh air.  I don't know how my body did it as there was a knot at the end of it!  No wonder it hurt when I pulled at it...!

I have to wear 50 SPF on my face, ear, neck and any exposed chest as I burn just from looking at the sun but this is a small price to pay for the freedom from compression vests!  I will keep them off until the weather cools down and then back on they will go.  The vests have made such a difference to my scarring so I won't be without them for long.  

I would advise against taking compression garments off unless it is necessary to your well-being.  Even then, it should only be a short period of time (i.e. a holiday)  I am not the little devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear!  The garments are vital to get the best results from scarring and operations and should be worn in accordance with medical advice.  However, for me, it was time to negotiate with myself in order to improve my quality of life and enjoy the sunshine!    

It's days like this I really appreciate my view!!!

One year later.

This time last year I was lying in hospital, wondering how it could have happened.  It was 24 hours after the worst day of my life.  I couldn't open my eyes or move my neck.  My bed was damp from the fluid that leaked from my scorched flesh.

4 seasons.  365 days.  52 weeks.  Time has passed; a whole year of it.

I am both celebrating and commiserating this long and dramatic 12 months.  You can only cheer when events like an accident are relegated to the past.  It's a relief when pain becomes a distant, faded memory spoken about in cliched terms, the words blurred through retelling.  This is the celebration side, feeling, in fact KNOWING you have lived through it and burst out the other side.

A year is such a long time and at 27 years old it's a rather large percentage of my life.  This is the saddest part; acknowledging that some of my precious time on this earth has been lost to pain, fear and recovery.

My mantra has been 'by this time next year' and that is partly one of the reasons I have found this anniversary so bitter.  It is now 'this time next year' and I still have a long way to go.  I'm still having operations and treatment, wearing compression vests and I'm not yet back at work full-time.  It's difficult to accept that my mantra will be valid until next year at least!

Now I've reached 'the day' I'm strangely settled.  Leading up to the final Friday at school I'd experienced a tumult of emotion and going in to work, the accident site, became a day-to-day struggle.  I've been feeling as though I'm repeating the same actions, even the same words, on the lead up to the summer holidays.  It's usually all part of the fun and the excitement of the last day of term.  This year, it just felt like Groundhog Day.

People keep saying, 'hasn't it gone quickly!'  Perhaps to them, it has.  For me, it's been one of the longest, most drawn out processes; agonizingly, tormentingly slow.  Think back to your last Summer Holiday, a year or so ago.  Now does it feel long ago?

The good thing about first anniversaries is that they only come once and now I can look behind me at it's distant figure, wreathed in the fog of the past.

The Crackpot Proverb

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.  At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  


For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.  Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.  After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.  


'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'  


The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?  That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'


Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.  SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path! 

Posted by Katie Piper

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