The definition of an accident is that it wasn't intentional. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it.' Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it though, not when the result is a serious injury. I'm injured, like hundreds of others, because of someone else's actions. 'I had an accident' but really, I didn't 'have an accident,' someone else caused an accident that involved me. This is a murky area of the human psyche. If someone has caused you harm does it matter if they're sorry? Taking intention out of the equation makes no difference to me; I still have a burnt body needing months of kindness to recover mentally and physically.
I had therapy last week and the guy asked me about my feelings towards the individual who changed my body forever. I was aware of some underlying anger issues but the torrent of emotion that sprang forth surprised even me. I could hear myself expressing my internal struggle in a clear and precise explanation that any English teacher would be proud of and as I listened to my choice of words I thought, is that really me talking? I sounded horrible. According to my therapist this is normal, feelings following trauma are not neat or nice, in fact they are more of a chaotic, war-torn tumble fighting to get out first.
We are taught forgiveness from an early age by our parents, religion, school and even moralistic cartoons...but what if we can't forgive someone? Does that make us a bad person? After all 'it was an accident' I hear you chorus but if I had been set on fire intentionally, public outcry would have a different voice.
There are a couple of ways to cope with this loaded issue and until time calms the mental wound (because time does dull all) I have to employ them as best as possible. The kindest outlook to adopt is empathy. I find this helps humanise the individual rather than demonising them. From a distance it's easy to work yourself into a fury over the actions of this devil playing with flames. Reducing them back to the person they are; weak, vulnerable and just as much a pawn in life as you helps drain the poison out of your thoughts.
The second stance to take is one of a cat.
I recently went to an Egyptian museum (Turin, Italy) where cats are featured prominently, worshipped as Gods. Cats rise above it all and look down at you from a great height with an aloof demeanour. They squint their green-slit eyes at the little people and purr, 'just who are you?' This is a great way to be when trapped in a situation like this, distanced and dignified. Someone has made a negative impact but they shouldn't be allowed to ruin your life. You should never give someone that power over you. An example would be my recent return to work. People kept asking if I'd be able to cope being in such close proximity to the site of the accident, people even asked if I was going to come back to work at all. I just keep thinking about how much I love my job and what a further punishment it would be if I couldn't return. Why should I be the one to leave? I will not allow someone else to influence my life more than they already have. Where I can kick against it I will, with narrowed eyes and a hiss escaping my lips, 'just who are you?'Forgiveness is just another conflict in this long fight for victory and maybe this is a battle lost. Sometimes you have to learn to let one go. Yet as they say, I may have lost this battle but I will win the war.
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