The Rules of Civility

'The insects were pinned on the felt in such a way that you could only see the topsides of their wings. But if you know anything about butterflies, you know that the two sides of their wings can be dramatically different. If the top is an opalescent blue, the underside can be a brownish gray with ocher spots. The sharp contrast provides butterflies with a material evolutionary advantage, because when their wings are open they can attract a mate, while when their wings are closed they can disappear on the trunk of a tree. ...There are tens of thousands of butterflies: men and women with two dramatically different colorings - one which serves to attract and the other which serves to camouflage - and which can be switched at the instant with a flit of the wings.'


'Uncompromising purpose and the search for eternal truth have an unquestionable sex appeal for the young and high-minded; but when a person loses the ability to take pleasure in the mundane - in the cigarette on the stoop or the gingersnap in the bath - she has probably put herself in unnecessary danger. ...One must be prepared to fight for one's simple pleasures and to defend them against elegance and erudition and all manner of glamourous enticements.'

The Real House (ok.....Flat) Wives (or perhaps Girlfriends) of New York City (er....London.)

I'm in a strange situation here...I have lots of time on my hands. I have 2 days per week at my disposal, plus a weekend. Weekends still get taken up with 'must-dos' but those precious two days are all my own. Initially being off ALL the time was taken up with 'recovering,' otherwise known as feeling unwell, blogging my woes and watching terrible daytime TV ('The Real Housewives of NYC' shocking and shockingly addictive.) Now that I am feeling better and my stamina has hugely improved I am able to use this time to do 'stuff.' It is a wonderful feeling.

After the Easter holidays I'll be teaching two classes a week and so my free time will disperse. I will be back into the thick of 'real' life i.e. spending your days at work. I'll still have more time than the average teacher but I won't have the long studenty days I am currently experiencing. As going back gets closer I find myself employing my free time in an increasingly productive way. It feels like a real treat to have time to indulge myself...and I think I deserve it!

However...there are pros and cons of having lots of time.

The pros are pretty obvious.

1) I can do whatever I like! This includes things like reading in bed whilst eating toast and then trying to get rid of the crumbs; wandering around DIY and home shops for up to 2 hours and only buying a set of washing pegs; going to the library to read/sitting in cafes to read whilst everyone else runs around madly; walking really slowly on the tube and standing on the escalator instead of running up and down it; going to an empty cinema to watch a film of my choice; fixing things around the flat; painting my nails multicoloured (perhaps a step too far for a nearly 27 year old;)watching Come Dine with Me with an early glass of wine and so on and on and on......!

2) Catching up with people. There is never enough time in life to see all the people you want to. Quite often you speak to someone and say things like, 'when was the last time we met up?' By the time you've worked it out it could be a year or longer! Recently I wrote a list of friends and family and booked them all in for coffee, lunch or dinner. Then once I met them I booked in the next catch-up......after my accident I've realised life's too short not to stay in contact with my VIPs.

3) Learning about my local area and culturing myself. Although I've lived in London for around 3 years there are lots of things I haven't done. Who has time usually? I've been taking long, stamina-building non-destination walks around the area. They usually turn up something interesting, like the other day I found the Greenwich Foot Tunnel! Although I'm not a fan of enclosed spaces anymore I challenged myself to walk through it. It was so convenient, I might (might...) wander through it again. I've also been trying to go to more galleries and exhibitions.

4) Saying 'yes!' I'm going through a bit of a 'yes' stage. I think it's because I feel so lucky to be able to do things again. Even if I don't really fancy something or I would normally be too lazy to go I'm saying yes. (Except to the NPower guys by the tube with their free prize draws...that's a no.)

5. Spending time by myself and being comfortable. It's quite difficult to spend time by yourself and be comfortable but I am getting more used to it. Your internal thoughts take on a much louder voice when you're alone. I'm trying to get all karma-ish and use this time to find my 'inner peace.'

Despite all the good things, there are also downsides to being alone.

1) One of them is the point above, your inner voice can be quite irritating at times. It's hard to relax. As you can probably tell, I'm not a relaxed person. For me downtime is wasted time. I like to be doing things and that can be both a good and a bad thing. My inner voice is always reeling off the list of things I should or could be doing.

2) Feeling like you're missing out at work. I'm missing out on the in-jokes, the camaraderie and the reassuring day-to-day routine of work. I'm half there and half not. I'm also well aware that I will be over a year behind in my professional development once I return to work. VERY disappointing. I just have to remember in the grand scheme of the 50 ish years I will be working, 1 year is drop in the ocean.

3) Getting tired. There is only so much walking/gallery perusing/window shopping one can do before collapsing in a heap. And it might only be 4pm.........

4) Getting bored. Your own company can get tedious and you long for someone else to talk to. Sometimes you want to share something you've seen but if you turned to the stranger next to you and said, 'isn't that interesting?' they would think you were crazy.

The cons aren't enough to outweigh the pros at this stage though. I still have a lot of healing to do both mentally and physically but I am in a very privileged position at the moment; space and time to completely recover and feeling well enough to enjoy it.

'Out with the old' and my accidental homage to modern art.

Before I left for my post-accident flat, I decided to clear my wardrobe of all the garments I could no longer wear. I figured that it was a waste of time and space packing all those clothes and storing them when it is likely I will never feel comfortable wearing them again.

Clothes are equivalent to memories. I've bought lots of things on holidays, for special occasions and for pure love of them. I'd had some items for approximately 10 years; some I'd had since Uni! Every May I trawl through my Summer items, pulling out dresses and tops to wear for that short but blissful English Summer, feeling as though I were greeting out friends.

So throwing out around 90% of what I owned was hard.

I did it quickly, rifling through the suitcases I'd shoved them in immediately after the accident when I couldn't bear the sight of them hanging in the wardrobe. I flung them onto the floor, barely looking.

Anything that couldn't be customised
with a lace body underneath was
chucked on the 'chuck' pile. As my injuries span my chest and neck, nothing with any semblance of neckline could remain and the many sleeveless and strapless numbers went. That day I stocked nearly every charity shop in my town! I only kept two items that I couldn't bear to say goodbye to. I couldn't believe the pile and took pictures which I was only reminded of today....

Today I decided to go to the Tate Modern for a wander and stopped dead at the installation 'Venus of the Rags.' This piece is meant to bring together classical art (in the form of Venus) and contemporary society (in the form of second hand clothes.) I instantly renamed it 'burn survivor edits wardrobe.' The figurine had her head resting tenderly on the bundles of clothes as if forced to part with them. It summed up exactly what I felt last month when undergoing the same process.



Most modern art takes the form of the bizarre and confusing but I felt an eerie connection with 'Venus of the Rags.'

Rose tinted glasses; the tinted bubble of positive illusions.

I'm currently reading a book (Affluenza by Oliver James) that throws out the question, 'do we need to self-deceive to be happy?'

I have always tried to live each day as it comes, more so now than ever and this means not dwelling on what has happened to me. I try to see it as just an event in my life, alongside all the others. Neither good nor bad, just 'there.' Many people have told me how well I've coped. Although a lot of this could be down to my positive outlook...could it just be that I have a strong ability to 'suppress depressing truths in order to keep the show on the road?'

I am still human....if I sit and think too hard or really look at my arm I feel the misery imp on my shoulder. But if I flick him off into the abyss and put a jumper on everything suddenly looks much brighter.

According to the writer, James, 'being grateful for what you have is good for survival.' If you stop looking for something else and make the most out of what you already have you are more likely to thrive. I like this idea. However James goes on to say that it is against our consumerist society to be satisfied with our lot. Ideal body images flaunting flawless skin are thrust down our throats every second of every day, suggesting that those who are 'less than' should be working to obtain this image of prefection. My arm will never look the same again. Yet in my mind I see that 'ideal' and I strive to achieve it, deceiving myself that there might be a possibility.

Ironically, this self-deception might actually work. For example, if I hung up my dancing shoes and said, 'oh well, my arm will never look the same again so I may as well stop massaging, doing my exercises and throw my compression garments into the Thames,' my arm certainly never will look the same again. Yet if I keep up the self-deception and believe it will all work out, I will continue with the skin care and procedures that are needed to get as close to it 'all working out' as possible.

This self-deception goes by another name. Hope.

Affluenza.

All the small things....

Since the accident I've been wearing strapless bras or a bra strap that goes across one shoulder because my injury is so sore. Yesterday, for the first time, I was able to wear two bra straps! I am wearing them over compression vests so it's not exactly glamorous but equally, it's nice not to be lop-sided anymore!

Since the accident I've found it's the small things that have really irritated me. I can ignore the larger problem and hide it out of sight and out of mind but the bra strap issue got right on my....nerves. After an accident it's the small things that really do count: being able to wear earrings again; being able to pluck my eyebrows again, being able to tuck the shaved sideburns behind my ears and being able to go out without a parasol at all times.

Each little step is a small victory.

The Hermit Card

We speed through our busy lives (me especially!) and rarely let ourselves introspect, think or feel. Often this is because thinking and feeling can throw up unhappy or unwanted feelings so we keep busy, blitz through our time, consuming days and months. This way we don’t have to think or feel, we can just ‘do.’

I have been in a position before where outwardly I’ve appeared to be a busy, active and fun-loving person; travelling to this country, that place, seeing, doing…but it was all just a distraction. I did have a frivolous type of fun but mostly I didn’t want to stop and think about what I wanted from life and how I would achieve it. (Perhaps this is just your early 20s….!) Consequently, things didn’t change for quite a while because I was too busy to stop and think. I flirted with introspection briefly but it threw up issues I’d rather ignore…so I moved on to the next activity. The situation eventually changed once I started to think and question what I wanted from life.

I’ve had a lot of time to think since my accident. I had my tarot cards read a day before it happened and my reading for the six weeks ahead included the ‘Hermit’ card. Considering the 6 weeks school summer holiday was diarised to bursting point with trips, holidays and social events I initially dismissed that little hunched monk carrying his lonely lantern.

Weeks later, lying in bed alone with my thoughts and unable to move, I recalled the Hermit card. I couldn’t help but feel that I was meant to take something profound from this experience. I had so much planned to do and yet I was (and still am) forced to stop and take stock. I’ve had a lot of time to think about ‘who I am.’ I nearly lost part of my identity as I was inches away from severely damaging my face and I lost a great deal of who I am temporarily, whilst recovering.

However, being too introspective and thinking about everything can be just as harmful. During my previous 6 week summer holiday I was quite isolated due to where I was living. Being alone with my thoughts too much made me feel miserable and I over-obsessed about things. Eventually I went in search of volunteering and worked at an inner city farm play scheme for two weeks, to keep my mind occupied. Too much introspection can make you maudlin!

I much prefer being busy but during a recovery that is not an option. Initially you don’t feel well and where pain is present, profound thoughts usually aren’t. Once the pain lifts or becomes manageable your mind starts piping up. You go through a very thoughtful, introspective time because although you are feeling more yourself you are still not well enough to be busy all the time. You could dull your mind with television…but there’s only so much daytime T.V one can take!

Obviously a balance between thinking and doing is the preferred desire. Balance is the aim in everything but so often very hard to achieve. I sit and wonder what have I learned from this experience? Perhaps I have now gained a greater sense of self? Perhaps I have found a better balance between the quiet hermit and the social butterfly? I’m not sure. Let me have a think about it….

It's such a perfect day....sunshine and seagulls

Today has been (so far) one of those rare and treasured days. Everything has been perfect.

- I woke up to sunshine
- My morning avocado was perfectly ripe
- I went to Mudchute farm, expecting nothing, finding lots, including Llamas
- The birds were singing, the sheep were baaing and the really cute rabbits snuffling
- Had a delicious lunch in the farm's organic cafe, in the sun, surrounded by noisy animals and happy children
- One of the happy children had the same unusual name as me and looked like I did as a little lass
- Found my local cinema and watched 'The Woman in Black' (scared myself witless)
- The pedestrian crossing lights were green all the way home.....
- ......and some girls were handing out free copies of Grazia magazine which I refrained from buying this morning as i've been too frivolous this week
- The sun is still out, I'm on the balcony and the seagulls are swooping over the water
- I might have a glass of wine in the sun just because

It's days like this that make you thankful.

And look what went past my balcony.....!