The temperature's rising; so is my temper.

The temperature and my temper rise simultaneously.

Even before I fully woke up yesterday morning I could feel the warmth radiating from behind the curtains and the sweat pooling between my shoulder blades, under the compression vest. My forearm glared at me, the scars raised higher than usual, livid from the heat.

I went to my wardrobe and looked at the array of outfits I'd collected since last September. I don't own anything designed for weather of this degree, at least not anything I would wear outside the privacy of my own home. I looked at my elbow-length sleeved tops but I didn't want to wear anything that showed even the scars on my forearm because the heat had made them redder than normal.

I put on the thinnest long sleeved top I owned and left the house. I rapidly began to realise that it wouldn't matter what top I wore, it was the compression vest that was the problem. They are designed to trap in body heat to improve scarring. Therefore the more heat I produce, the hotter I become. I basically incubate myself.

I persisted with my plan to go to the V and A Museum. I sat outside in the gardens and drank some coffee. The place is beautiful. It seemed temperate, even a bit breezy so I decided to go for a walk through nearby Kensington Gardens.

Firstly, I didn't realise how large Kensington Gardens were. As I wandered in the general direction of next door Hyde Park with a vague plan to meander to the Jubilee Line, I began to notice just how hot the beating sun was. There was no shade, the meadows stretched in all directions. The light glinted off the various ponds and dogs were running around their owners, dragging sticks and chasing balls. It was a perfect day except...the sweat was running down my back. And I became acutely aware of my face...

I've mentioned it before, the fear of catching the sun on my face. The burn unit told me I could hyper-pigment which causes dark patches, a bit like age spots. It's the last thing I need right now, sun-damage to my new skin. I had put quite a lot of make-up on that morning because the heat gives new life to the red patches around and under my eyes and along the length of my chin. Other than the make-up, I had no sun-protection on. I walked so quickly back towards the exit of the gardens I was almost jogging but it took a long time to get back across the enormous meadow. All the while inside I was panicking. What if I catch the sun on my face? I could feel the compression vest choking me, the heat inside it making me sticky and uncomfortable...making me angry.

Luckily, I didn't catch the sun on my face. I got home and stood around in my compression vest until I cooled off. My anger didn't cool off though.

This morning, even before I fully woke up I could feel the warmth radiating from behind the curtains, the sweat pooling between my shoulder blades, under the compression vest and my anger rising. The long winter months are over and it seems as though I will be uncomfortable for many months to come. And I'm very, very, very, very angry.

Anger - the 2nd stage.

This week I have been mostly angry. I have been completely consumed, filled up with terrible frustration and rage. I want to run and run and run; run for miles until I can barely breath and the uproar inside me has stilled. But I can't run. I can't even walk briskly without feeling weak and pathetic!

I'm sure everyone goes through this stage when they suddenly realise that things aren't going to improve overnight. You keep on convincing yourself everything is going to be o.k (first stage, denial!) and then one morning you wake up, look down and see your injury stubbornly living on your body. And you lose it. You're angry. Really, really pissed off. How dare this happen to you? How DARE it?!

I googled the stages of grief and found a theory called the Kübler-Ross model which covers the 5 different stages. Although usually linked to death and grieving, it can also be applied to a life-altering experience. The theory states everyone's response is unique but the people interviewed (500+) went through similar emotions or similar 'stages.' The full theory can be read here but it's the first two stages I think are most relevant to having an accident.

Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense.

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage.

The things that are making me angry are as follows:

1) Burn injuries don't heal overnight. I feel like I've been really patient but that nothing is improving quick enough.

2) I was harbouring hope that my injuries were going to improve so much over time that they would pretty much vanish. Now I am 5 months into my recovery, I can start to see what I will probably be left with. It's demotivating to realise that you are never going to look the same again.

3) I have realised that once the burns are fully healed (2 year mark) I might need intervention to make them look as aesthetically pleasing as possible. I don't want to go through anymore but equally I don't just want to 'put up with it.' I don't want burned, wrinkled skin on my body.

4) Everyone else is at work, getting on with their lives and through no fault of my own, I can't.

5) I am getting increasingly unfit because my stamina is so poor...therefore I am putting on weight. I was at peak physical fitness before this happened, I could run for miles. Now I'm worn out all the time. It's incredibly frustrating.

6) Every time I see a health professional, (Doctor, Nurse, Physio,) I am referred to someone else. It seems like no one is sure about the rash and no one is sure what the best treatment should be. Both my patience and confidence are waning.


7) I hate compression vests. I'm actually keen to wear them during Winter but the NHS didn't order them in a timely manner. I have been wearing one of them for over 4 months instead of the recommended 3 and it's completely lost it's compression factor. It's like wearing a t-shirt. I'm worried it's not doing it's job. I also only have 2 and I spend my life washing them and planning when to wash them. Now they have been worn for such a length of time they don't wash properly. The other day neither were dry enough to wear and I just sat and cried.

This coming week I am going to try my hardest to keep myself busy and think positive thoughts. I'm going to do lots of walking, even if it tires me out and I'm going to go back to Zumba and shake away some of my anger! I have made a plan to help me keep active and hopefully I will feel less angry. I am also going to make some plans to go back to work. I'm not quite there yet but I think putting something into place might make me feel more in control, more optimistic about the near future. I think that people in this situation (myself included here) need to help themselves and constantly remind themselves to look at the bigger picture. The more you can distract yourself from obsessing about the situation, the better. Then days will become weeks, weeks will slide into months and next time you stop to look and think about what's happened, there will be more improvement. Bring on the final stage....acceptance!