Anger - the 2nd stage.

This week I have been mostly angry. I have been completely consumed, filled up with terrible frustration and rage. I want to run and run and run; run for miles until I can barely breath and the uproar inside me has stilled. But I can't run. I can't even walk briskly without feeling weak and pathetic!

I'm sure everyone goes through this stage when they suddenly realise that things aren't going to improve overnight. You keep on convincing yourself everything is going to be o.k (first stage, denial!) and then one morning you wake up, look down and see your injury stubbornly living on your body. And you lose it. You're angry. Really, really pissed off. How dare this happen to you? How DARE it?!

I googled the stages of grief and found a theory called the Kübler-Ross model which covers the 5 different stages. Although usually linked to death and grieving, it can also be applied to a life-altering experience. The theory states everyone's response is unique but the people interviewed (500+) went through similar emotions or similar 'stages.' The full theory can be read here but it's the first two stages I think are most relevant to having an accident.

Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense.

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage.

The things that are making me angry are as follows:

1) Burn injuries don't heal overnight. I feel like I've been really patient but that nothing is improving quick enough.

2) I was harbouring hope that my injuries were going to improve so much over time that they would pretty much vanish. Now I am 5 months into my recovery, I can start to see what I will probably be left with. It's demotivating to realise that you are never going to look the same again.

3) I have realised that once the burns are fully healed (2 year mark) I might need intervention to make them look as aesthetically pleasing as possible. I don't want to go through anymore but equally I don't just want to 'put up with it.' I don't want burned, wrinkled skin on my body.

4) Everyone else is at work, getting on with their lives and through no fault of my own, I can't.

5) I am getting increasingly unfit because my stamina is so poor...therefore I am putting on weight. I was at peak physical fitness before this happened, I could run for miles. Now I'm worn out all the time. It's incredibly frustrating.

6) Every time I see a health professional, (Doctor, Nurse, Physio,) I am referred to someone else. It seems like no one is sure about the rash and no one is sure what the best treatment should be. Both my patience and confidence are waning.


7) I hate compression vests. I'm actually keen to wear them during Winter but the NHS didn't order them in a timely manner. I have been wearing one of them for over 4 months instead of the recommended 3 and it's completely lost it's compression factor. It's like wearing a t-shirt. I'm worried it's not doing it's job. I also only have 2 and I spend my life washing them and planning when to wash them. Now they have been worn for such a length of time they don't wash properly. The other day neither were dry enough to wear and I just sat and cried.

This coming week I am going to try my hardest to keep myself busy and think positive thoughts. I'm going to do lots of walking, even if it tires me out and I'm going to go back to Zumba and shake away some of my anger! I have made a plan to help me keep active and hopefully I will feel less angry. I am also going to make some plans to go back to work. I'm not quite there yet but I think putting something into place might make me feel more in control, more optimistic about the near future. I think that people in this situation (myself included here) need to help themselves and constantly remind themselves to look at the bigger picture. The more you can distract yourself from obsessing about the situation, the better. Then days will become weeks, weeks will slide into months and next time you stop to look and think about what's happened, there will be more improvement. Bring on the final stage....acceptance!

De nile; a river in Egypt.

Every-time I bump into someone I haven't seen for a while I'm told how wonderful I'm doing and how 'well' I look, considering. Obviously I am very pleased about this. I don't really want people telling me I look rubbish or like I've had an accident. I did that bit over Summer and I would like to put it in a little box in my mind, never to be opened again.

There are several types of denial and I think that I might be suffering from minimisation; admitting the fact but denying it's seriousness. When I discuss the event with people I can hear myself downplaying the horror of what has happened. It can lead to cognitive distortion, one part of this would be downplaying a trauma in order to avoid worry for yourself or others. Surely though, this can be a positive thing? Who wants to listen to someone's sob story again and again? And feeling too sorry for yourself can inhibit action and moving on.

I have adopted a 'get on with it and don't dwell on it' attitude and this has meant I can carry on with my life as normally as possible. I have wondered if I might be missing the stages I should be going through but perhaps I will avoid all that drama.

Mostly I am severely irritated by this stupid accident. It was really ridiculous and shouldn't have happened. (Perhaps this is my anger stage...) I love my life, I'm young, I have a job I love and friends and family around me. I have a busy and exciting social life and a fantastic boyfriend. I have worked really hard to get all these things and just as they line up...this happened! It's in the way of the life I want to live. I just want to forget it. Deny it! Minimise it! And continue to live life as before.

This is very difficult though. I've become a different person and this often surfaces in my mind. I don't think most people would notice but I notice it myself. I can't be as spontaneous as I was before, for example I can't go out partying all night, I get too tired. I can't be as carefree because I am reminded of what has happened and I have to look after myself more now.

Ideally, I will never feel long term misery over this incident. Minimising what has happened doesn't minimise the reality of it; the events and aftermath will be forever engraved in my memory and I make light of them in order to get on with my life. If I didn't, perhaps I would struggle to cope. I think that this is a useful defence mechanism for me and as long as I don't overlook any strong feelings I have otherwise, I can't see why I shouldn't keep up this attitude. Long live denial!