My life is back! (And I'm back to work...!)

Current Facebook Status, ‘my life is back.’

All of a sudden the elements of my life appear to be coming together in a way they haven’t yet. It’s a bit like I’ve found the annoying corner pieces of the puzzle are suddenly fitting and making a pretty picture.

I’ve been quiet on the blog front as I’ve been moving into new a flat with my boyfriend. As much as I love our parents, there is something quite wonderful about having your own space again and getting settled. I’ve been nesting away with great enthusiasm, matching dining chairs with rugs with throws….

And on Monday life really began again…..I started my staggered return to work. Remember the feeling of returning to school after the 6 weeks holiday? You know you’re going to see all your friends and hear all the gossip. You know hard work is going follow but secretly, you don’t mind. Your brain was beginning to stagnate. That was how I felt on Monday.

When returning to work there are several important things to think about.

1) My lesson went well and I ended it feeling on a bit of an adrenalin high. Realistically, I should have gone home. It was my first lesson and the most I’ve had to do in, oh, about 7 months. But I didn’t go home. Instead I stayed and marked all the books. By the time this was done, I could barely lift my arms and I still had to drive the 30 minutes home. And I had a lesson in the morning….One of the most important things to do is stop before you are tired. For some personality types this is hard to do. I do everything hard and fast, until I can do no more. Pain is gain. Tiredness is for wimps…I was truly shattered once I got in and I drove home like I was in a dream world. I laid on the sofa and then I went to bed! Note to self – quit while you’re ahead.

2) People are going to be pleased to see you and they are probably going to ask you questions. You should prepare some stock answers. People broach the subject differently; a few just ask me how I’m feeling. Some make vague gestures across their upper body and ask if it’s ‘going alright?’ Others might actually pick up my wrist and point at some scarring and say, ‘it’s looking so much better than when I last saw it. The colour’s really changed!’ As I work at an all-boys school, I was expecting an interrogation. (‘Did it hurt? Was it like, an immense explosion Miss?) Someone had obviously warned them against questions and the most I had was a wide-eyed gaze at my lower arm as I walked past. They quickly realised they shouldn’t be staring and then forced their eyes away although it obviously pained them not to look. I was actually touched by the boys’ sensitivity towards me. The bottom line is to be prepared to react to people’s reactions in a way you want to react. Don’t let them take you by surprise and do your best not to be offended. 99.9% of people mean the best.


3) There is something very exhausting about being around a lot of people. I’ve been at home for a long time now and any social interactions usually fall into designated timeframes. I’m not around people indefinitely and if I do get tired, I could just leave and go home to my sanctuary of silence. At work, this is not an option. You can’t turn down the surround-sound of chatter. Even if it’s not you talking, concentrating on the conversation around you can be tiring. Having a quiet space you can steal away too could be useful.

4) My workspace never used to bother me. I’ve never had back problems or neck problems and the type of chair, desk or the height of my whiteboard has never even entered the field of my observation. Yet all of a sudden, I’m a walking problem-spotter. Luckily for me, Occupational Health has already made recommendations that will really improve my ability to do my job successfully. My computer has been moved so it’s more convenient and I have a desk with a special curved edge to rest my gammy arm on. It’s definitely meeting with your Occupational Health representative before heading back into the onslaught.

5) Deciding the hours you are going to work is also of huge importance. Be realistic, otherwise you could overdo it and find you are struggling to cope. It’s much better to under-estimate then over-estimate yourself. If you under-estimate your ability, you can just increase the hours or responsibilities. If you have to decrease them, you will feel like a failure. My School have been very good about my hours and I am on an unusually staggered timetable that may cover the entire academic year. Most businesses only provide a staggered return of 6 weeks though. Think about what that means realistically, in 6 weeks you would need to be running at full capacity. If that’s not possible at this point in your recovery you either negotiate a gentler return….or stay off sick. Health comes first. We, of all people, know this best.


6) Remember you are still recovering and be kind to yourself. Returning to work is does not mean you are fully recovered; it is part of the recovery process.

Even if going back to work is the scariest thing in the world for you (and let’s face it, it’s easy to demonise it from the sofa) it’s less scary than never going back to work at all.

When will I feel ready to go back to work???

It's that time of year, black (insert day of the week here) when the alarm is re-set, the train timetable consulted and the emails reluctantly opened. Back to work. I usually sulk for the first 10 minutes after waking up but once I'm on my way, I'm jubilant. I love my job; I love my career. I'm proud of the fact I chose it, I trained specifically for it and I have made myself good at it. This year though, I feel quite different. It's New Year, a new start and people have been asking me when I intend to go back to work. That question sends splinters of ice through my veins.

Before Christmas I was ready to talk about going back. December was 5 months since 'it' happened. January seemed so far away, there was so much going on in those days in-between. I was to move house, back to the parents' for a month and I had plans full of family visits during Christmas and New Year. Yet suddenly, I am here. Moved house. Preparing to move again start of February. All celebrated out. Absolutely and totally shattered.

I wanted to start running again this New Year but when I went for a brisk walk with my other half on Monday I lasted around 12 minutes. All of a sudden I could barely breathe and my legs felt like lead. It terrifies me that this is how unfit I have become. I might be out of the woods but everywhere I look there are still trees!

I know this is something that others worry about as I've read the thoughts of other burn survivors on the Katie Piper discussion forum, 'how and when do I get back into things?' Click here to read.

I think it's important to remember that there is no rush to get back to work. Yes, it's important to work. Mental health studies have shown that work is good for people, it gives them a sense of fulfillment, increases self-esteem and provides companionship. But it is not worth going back to work too early only to feel stressed, become unwell, knock your confidence or hinder your recovery. I really want to go back to work. In my mind I drive in the gates and everything goes back to normal. I forget this ever happened. In reality, work is a huge hurdle and will have to be handled gradually if I am to cope. It's another journey, one I'm not sure I'm yet ready to take.

RECOVERY - VERB - To return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. To get back; to regain.

People ask me every day, 'how are you recovering?'

The word 'recovery' itself is a verb, an action but people use it as a passive term. I know people say silly things because they don't know what else to say but comments like 'it must get boring, sitting at home all day!' Make me realise they don't really understand what recovery is. And why would they? If I hadn't had an accident and be experiencing the recovery process then I would be the same!

It is a process, one of trial and error. It may appear you are sitting at home all day but really you are getting to grips with getting showered and dressed; then you're too tired to do anything else. It is a process of building up even the simplest of things.

The most difficult question about recovery is the one you ask yourself, every day. When will I feel normal again? When will I be 'recovered', emotionally and physically? Once the initial wounds are healed, especially the very visible ones, people begin to assume you are 'better.' You might go out and see people and they look at you differently now; you don't look ill or weak after all. They don't see you before you are 'disguised' though; they don't see you after the meeting when you have to lay down.

One of the most difficult things about a burn recovery is the time frame and the uncertainty. You break a leg, you're in plaster for X amount of months. You have a knee ligament operation, you rest for 6 weeks. With burns, no one will give you any answers. All skin is different. They will educate you in scar management and you do everything they say to help you minimise the damage. Until 2 years (the magic term) passes, they won't give you any other indication.

If, like me, you like being in control, this really is the pits! Having your body suddenly dictate what you can and can't do is difficult. This was a body that used to run several miles a week, who now feels tired after walking to the town centre and back. (I live in the town centre!) This was a mind of steel which suddenly feels fragile. This was a demeanor of ultimate control and professional conduct who now runs off if it see flames or hear fireworks.

To keep some control, I have kept several diaries. I have written a diary since the age of 5 and so I continue with that diary. I write this blog. I also have kept a diary purely of how I am feeling day to day and what I have done, very factual and medical. All these help me to look at the incident objectively, from a writer's perspective.

I have also kept a photo diary. Now this is really important. No one likes taking pictures of their injuries but it really does make you feel better to see improvements. My chest is still livid red. Yet looking at the photos you can see it used to be an open wound, it used to be a larger patch, 3 weeks ago it was even more livid red! It's hard to see it improving when you see it every day and photos really help with this. You can also show them to people who aren't sure why you still aren't at work...after all...you 'look ok.'

Another idea that has helped me has been organising my day so I am doing something every day. This has helped build up my stamina although it's trial and error; I sometimes massively over-estimate myself and suffer afterwards. It is also distracting to be doing things.

Choosing key dates and working towards them has been important. For example, I chose the date to come back to my flat and start to live independently. I did this a little too early and had to go home to my Mum's again for a week but the precedent had been set and I went back shortly after. I also chose a date to go to the gym again and a date to start seeing colleagues again. This way things are always moving forward. I couldn't do this initially when I was very sick but there came a time in the recovery process when this was a perfect technique. The dates are flexible, if they arrive and they haven't quite worked out, reschedule!

To all the people who are recovering; you must remember that this is your journey, your process and no one else has a say in it. Listen to opinions but know it is your body and your mind and you have the final decision. Do try and help yourself. My counsellor told me think about the advice I'd give my best friend in this situation; then take it myself. We are often kinder to our friends than ourselves.

One of the looming questions that hangs over us is, 'when will I be ready to work again?' I love my job, it is an all-encompassing job and many of my good friends come from work. Yet, despite this, I couldn't even think of work or consider coming back for many months. All of a sudden, one day, I found I had started to think about work. This was an important step in the process. Just thinking about it! I'm taking minute steps towards going back which to others might seem ridiculous but are very reassuring to me. I'm sure as time goes on I'll take bigger and more significant steps.

Despite all the knock-backs and irritations that I have faced and am facing during this process I try to be aware that it is a process. By definition, all processes have ends. The end of mine is what I focus on. The worst has happened to me now. Yes, I am going to have issues with scars and I am going to have emotional baggage collected along the way but like any nightmare, there is an end. Here's to recovery!