Measuring the unmeasurable

Time stands still when you're recovering. Life is put on hold while you take stock, get sleep, eat well. You walk to the end of the house and back, walk to the end of the road and back, walk to the town centre and back. Everything moves slowly around you and the rush of everyday life dissipates. No one will tell you how long it takes to recover from a burn or where you should be on the recovery timeline. It's not like breaking a leg and being told you have 2 weeks in plaster and six weeks for the bone to heal. It's a never-ending, slow drag of time.

Yet you are aware things are changing, improving. It's just happening so slowly it's barely noticeable. And that's the big problem. How do you measure progress?

For me, the first time I recognised any significant progress was when I read one of my blog posts from early in November, 'how to make each day feel successful and productive.' I couldn't believe my day to day regime. I was unable to wake up before 9am and often didn't manage to get out of bed until 11am. I could only do one thing a day, perhaps go to the supermarket or walk to the High Street. I obviously had very little stamina and had to take it easy.

Yet...I thought that I had very little stamina now but I can definitely do more than I spoke about in that post. So I have obviously come a long way. Reading this post motivated me to think more about how I can measure my progress and perhaps suggest some ideas for other people. Seeing your progress not only makes you feel good, it can give you goals to help landmark your recovery.

1. Building up stamina

This is still my main focus everyday. I hate feeling weak and tired and am following my Physio's advice. She said you can't underestimate the power of walking and told me to become aware of my posture and bring my shoulder blades into a neutral position. This helps me walk as if I have a string being pulled out the top of my head. The suggestion was to walk half an hour a day. As my Mum has a dog this is very easy for me. Walking a dog is much more enjoyable than meandering aimlessly around the town and so I have borrowed him most days.

I bought a fantastic 'well-being' journal from Paperchase and am filling it out everyday. At the beginning of the week I fill out all the exercise pages with what I want to do each day and then I tick it off each evening, once it's done. It also has space for a food diary which I've been keeping. I've chosen a sensible aim, to eat 5 fruit and veg a day as I noticed I had become really terrible at eating well. This book really motivates me, it sounds really silly but seeing your week's exercise on paper makes you realise just how much you've done.
I've also started going to Zumba again once a week and this week am trying to go to the gym again. Each minute of exercise I can do helps build up my stamina!

2. Going back to work

I decided one of the things making me depressed was that I was getting restless now I felt more well. Having all this time off might sound like a dream to all the over-worked, highly-stressed employed out there but on-going time off loses it's novelty! I decided to choose a day to go back to work. For many people, this might not be possible yet but for me it is definitely time to have something to aim towards. Previously my aim was September (I was up to my eyeballs on drugs and pretty disillusioned initially!) and it was obvious this wasn't going to happen by the time the Summer Holidays drew to a close. Then I focused on January, New Year New Start and all of that. When it materialised that I needed further rehab and was tired from the festive period, it moved to my new date, after the February half term.

This is probably my most realistic date yet and so I have informed work and am going to visit Occupational Health soon. The most important thing to remember though is planning my return sensibly i.e. staggered and to be aware that if there is a setback, it might change again.

Taking control and putting this date in place has made me feel much better.

3. Draw a timeline

Timelines are a great idea because you can plot all your achievements on them so far and what you want to achieve in the future. If you do it on a Spreadsheet it's easy to change too, it needs to be flexible! Long term goals might seem far away...because they are...but they will be achieved when the time is right. You can put as much or as little detail on it as you wish, first glass of wine, first cinema trip, first dinner out, first time you drove your car again...all these things are little steps in the right direction, small achievements to be noted. After a big accident every thing you do feels like you've never done it before.

4. Photos/diary/blog

I keep all of these. One day I'd love to sequence all my photos together like they do on nature programmes, speed them up and watch the years be compressed into seconds!

Even a diary where you do a small update on the same day each month might capture your progress.

It's far easier to be disheartened than inspired when you're recovering and trying to measure the unmeasurable can be depressing. Still, you should try. It's a journey worth documenting.

Katie Piper, looking fabulous

Recovering from an accident takes a combination of time and mental and physical power. Unless you have had an accident, you can't appreciate the level of effort that goes into becoming yourself again. Although a large part of this is physical, it also takes time to feel mentally well and 'yourself.' Any one who has experienced a trauma, for example a break-up or a death in the family may look back on that time of stress and wonder how they got through it and managed to function day to day. These periods of time may seem blurry or particularly vivid. You remember how you felt, what happened around you, almost as if it's a programme you are watching on TV, or if you are watching it happening to someone else.

Once you have battled your way through and taken the steps towards recovery, you start to reflect. For me, once I begun to reflect, this was when I realised I was starting to feel like myself again. I was beginning to enjoy going out and socialising instead of it feeling like a battle, something I 'should' do. I felt less self-aware and this helped me feel more confident again.


Someone who should be incredibly proud of themselves is Katie Piper. Her photo was taken at the Jersey Boys west end show recently and she looks fabulous. Not only does she look fabulous, she looks confident in the way she stands and the way she smiles. Katie has had a difficult battle during her long recovery and hopefully she is on her way back to feeling like herself again.

Esther Sabetpour, an inspiration.

It was Esther who commented on one of my recent posts and gave me the boost to go swimming at my trip to a spa. I felt confident before I got to the pool but once there I felt very different. I become acutely aware of my body, it's scars, it's redness and of the people around me. It was terrifying!

Esther commented that she had been to San Tropez and thought f**k it. She added her website on the comment and I had a look. It was then I realised just what an inspiration she is. Esther had an accident that left her lower body covered in severe burns. She has used photography to document her recovery and show another version of beauty. The scars are patchwork in nature and look like fabric in some places, an interesting and striking texture. She has an attractive figure and her scars don't detract from that, in fact they make her quite awesome to look at. (I mean 'awesome' from the literary sense, 'inspiring awe' rather than the Americanism.)

Esther said that she was "shocked by the severity of the scarring. The pain had been more than I could ever have imagined, but now it began to sink in how much my injuries had changed the way I looked as well – although I realised how lucky I was that my face and arms were pretty much unscathed." She has set out now to do something powerful with her experience and documented her recovery through photography. This includes an exhibition looking at self image and the way women see their bodies, more often focusing on their 'shortcomings rather than the beauty.'

We need more people speaking out like Esther. There are thousands of people living with differences but our culture doesn't encourage people to expose them. Our culture's high expectation of perfection and 'sameness' means those with differences can be made to feel ostracized.

Scars are the memory of experience on a person, an experience that could potentially make them a better person or live a more meaningful and appreciative life. They are (literally!) a patchwork of their hard work, a picture of their efforts to survive and to enjoy life to it's fullest.

The Guardian interview with Esther 'A study in Scarlet' click here

For Esther's photography click here

For her wedding photography click here

Spa.....ahhhhh!

For anyone recovering from an accident I would recommend going to a spa. In fact, I'd recommend it to anyone, recovering or not!

I went to Lifehouse in Frinton.



The Magic Faraway Tree!

Lifehouse has 130 acres of Enid Blyton style gardens...just beautiful. Miniature waterfalls, Harry Potter style whomping willows and lakes upon lakes of lilly-strewn waters. At this time of year the trees shone with russets, mahogany and golds. The mossy grass was thick with crispy leaves and crunchy with pine cones. Here and there were clumps of toadstools; almost complete with fairies!



Treatments

My man had a back massage and facial which, although a little girlie, he enjoyed. Although this came with the package as standard, they changed mine to a 'fabulous pins' treatment. And it was fabulous!

I had my legs massaged and exfoliated and then my scalp massaged; it was wonderful. The therapist said my little toe was 'crunchy' and asked if the burn was on my right shoulder...which it is! She said this was showing up in my feet and recommended reflexology. If you go to a spa I would definitely suggest asking for a treatment that is entirely suitable for you and your current injuries rather than adapting a treatment and trying to avoid areas. Otherwise it won't be relaxing as you will be worrying that you might get caught in a sensitive area.

Swimming

I found this more difficult than I thought I would initially and didn't go in on the first day. When I got back to the room I had a comment from http://www.esthersabetpour.com/ and it made me feel completely differently. Her photography really reveals what it is like to be in our situation. Esther has a beautiful face and body, albeit some areas now different to the ones she was born with. Her comment came at just the right time for me, thank you!

I strutted my stuff around the poolside, went in the jacuzzi (top half out because of the heat) and didn't shy away at all. I was surprised to find people barely looked at me. A couple of people glanced across me but didn't stare. All in all, it was a very positive experience.



And the rest...

The spa had several amazing massage chairs so even if you weren't scheduled in for a treatment you could go and get some relaxation. I also really enjoyed the meditation class that we took. I think I might look into this to help with my recovery.

I felt relaxed for the first time in a long time. Fantastic!

It's been 4 months...

Doesn't time fly....(Thank God)

Since that terrible day, I have come so far. It's only been four months! So far I have gone from being unable to walk or so anything for myself to taking steps towards recovery.

RECOVERY - VERB - To return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. To get back; to regain.

People ask me every day, 'how are you recovering?'

The word 'recovery' itself is a verb, an action but people use it as a passive term. I know people say silly things because they don't know what else to say but comments like 'it must get boring, sitting at home all day!' Make me realise they don't really understand what recovery is. And why would they? If I hadn't had an accident and be experiencing the recovery process then I would be the same!

It is a process, one of trial and error. It may appear you are sitting at home all day but really you are getting to grips with getting showered and dressed; then you're too tired to do anything else. It is a process of building up even the simplest of things.

The most difficult question about recovery is the one you ask yourself, every day. When will I feel normal again? When will I be 'recovered', emotionally and physically? Once the initial wounds are healed, especially the very visible ones, people begin to assume you are 'better.' You might go out and see people and they look at you differently now; you don't look ill or weak after all. They don't see you before you are 'disguised' though; they don't see you after the meeting when you have to lay down.

One of the most difficult things about a burn recovery is the time frame and the uncertainty. You break a leg, you're in plaster for X amount of months. You have a knee ligament operation, you rest for 6 weeks. With burns, no one will give you any answers. All skin is different. They will educate you in scar management and you do everything they say to help you minimise the damage. Until 2 years (the magic term) passes, they won't give you any other indication.

If, like me, you like being in control, this really is the pits! Having your body suddenly dictate what you can and can't do is difficult. This was a body that used to run several miles a week, who now feels tired after walking to the town centre and back. (I live in the town centre!) This was a mind of steel which suddenly feels fragile. This was a demeanor of ultimate control and professional conduct who now runs off if it see flames or hear fireworks.

To keep some control, I have kept several diaries. I have written a diary since the age of 5 and so I continue with that diary. I write this blog. I also have kept a diary purely of how I am feeling day to day and what I have done, very factual and medical. All these help me to look at the incident objectively, from a writer's perspective.

I have also kept a photo diary. Now this is really important. No one likes taking pictures of their injuries but it really does make you feel better to see improvements. My chest is still livid red. Yet looking at the photos you can see it used to be an open wound, it used to be a larger patch, 3 weeks ago it was even more livid red! It's hard to see it improving when you see it every day and photos really help with this. You can also show them to people who aren't sure why you still aren't at work...after all...you 'look ok.'

Another idea that has helped me has been organising my day so I am doing something every day. This has helped build up my stamina although it's trial and error; I sometimes massively over-estimate myself and suffer afterwards. It is also distracting to be doing things.

Choosing key dates and working towards them has been important. For example, I chose the date to come back to my flat and start to live independently. I did this a little too early and had to go home to my Mum's again for a week but the precedent had been set and I went back shortly after. I also chose a date to go to the gym again and a date to start seeing colleagues again. This way things are always moving forward. I couldn't do this initially when I was very sick but there came a time in the recovery process when this was a perfect technique. The dates are flexible, if they arrive and they haven't quite worked out, reschedule!

To all the people who are recovering; you must remember that this is your journey, your process and no one else has a say in it. Listen to opinions but know it is your body and your mind and you have the final decision. Do try and help yourself. My counsellor told me think about the advice I'd give my best friend in this situation; then take it myself. We are often kinder to our friends than ourselves.

One of the looming questions that hangs over us is, 'when will I be ready to work again?' I love my job, it is an all-encompassing job and many of my good friends come from work. Yet, despite this, I couldn't even think of work or consider coming back for many months. All of a sudden, one day, I found I had started to think about work. This was an important step in the process. Just thinking about it! I'm taking minute steps towards going back which to others might seem ridiculous but are very reassuring to me. I'm sure as time goes on I'll take bigger and more significant steps.

Despite all the knock-backs and irritations that I have faced and am facing during this process I try to be aware that it is a process. By definition, all processes have ends. The end of mine is what I focus on. The worst has happened to me now. Yes, I am going to have issues with scars and I am going to have emotional baggage collected along the way but like any nightmare, there is an end. Here's to recovery!

Friday 22nd July

On the morning of Friday 22nd July, I was excited about the 6 weeks holidays.

By the afternoon of Friday 22nd July, I was in hospital with 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree burns on 14% of my body.

The recovery process for burns is a long, long time. It's not like leaning over an iron and catching your skin. It takes up to 2 years for the skin to repair itself as much as it can. After 2 years, what's left is what you're stuck with.

I've set up this blog for a couple of reasons.

1) To share all the useful info I've found out already. It might save another person some time and effort!

2) To document what has been a terrible, painful time; raising awareness of burns and safety when using BBQs, bonfires and other sources of heat.