I've nearly reached 1000 page hits, keep on hitting those pages people!

Thank you everyone who's visited the site, even if you got here by some mysterious twist of fate (i.e. you clicked a wrong link.) I will be buying a 'serious' domain name soon and am currently researching riveting topics such as 'driving traffic to your blog.' The most hits I received in a day was 187 which I was pretty proud of but since then it's plateaued a little.

I will continue to write, please continue to read and don't hesitate to leave comments or questions. I'd be happy to answer them.

Esther Sabetpour, an inspiration.

It was Esther who commented on one of my recent posts and gave me the boost to go swimming at my trip to a spa. I felt confident before I got to the pool but once there I felt very different. I become acutely aware of my body, it's scars, it's redness and of the people around me. It was terrifying!

Esther commented that she had been to San Tropez and thought f**k it. She added her website on the comment and I had a look. It was then I realised just what an inspiration she is. Esther had an accident that left her lower body covered in severe burns. She has used photography to document her recovery and show another version of beauty. The scars are patchwork in nature and look like fabric in some places, an interesting and striking texture. She has an attractive figure and her scars don't detract from that, in fact they make her quite awesome to look at. (I mean 'awesome' from the literary sense, 'inspiring awe' rather than the Americanism.)

Esther said that she was "shocked by the severity of the scarring. The pain had been more than I could ever have imagined, but now it began to sink in how much my injuries had changed the way I looked as well – although I realised how lucky I was that my face and arms were pretty much unscathed." She has set out now to do something powerful with her experience and documented her recovery through photography. This includes an exhibition looking at self image and the way women see their bodies, more often focusing on their 'shortcomings rather than the beauty.'

We need more people speaking out like Esther. There are thousands of people living with differences but our culture doesn't encourage people to expose them. Our culture's high expectation of perfection and 'sameness' means those with differences can be made to feel ostracized.

Scars are the memory of experience on a person, an experience that could potentially make them a better person or live a more meaningful and appreciative life. They are (literally!) a patchwork of their hard work, a picture of their efforts to survive and to enjoy life to it's fullest.

The Guardian interview with Esther 'A study in Scarlet' click here

For Esther's photography click here

For her wedding photography click here

Early New Year Resolution

As months go on the scales are getting scarier. I have chomped my way through Chinese take-aways, truffled on chocolates and hoovered up food without a thought. When you're not feeling well you fancy sweet or stodgy foods. Then later on, you find you're just too tired to shop for lots of fresh ingredients and cook from scratch. Add a lot of rest (ok, a lack of movement) and the wobble begins to creep up behind you.

One day you wake up and...hold on! Your jeans are tight...have they just been washed? No! It's just that you're becoming more voluptuous. Let's be clear about this, a little weight gain is attractive; a bit softer around the edges is sexy. But if it continues to increase it becomes a drain on your health and your self-esteem.

I've been watching Channel 4's 'The Food Hospital' and I am amazed at the range of disorders that can be affected by diet. So far everyone who has been on it, whatever they have wrong with their health has improved to some degree by altering their diet. This got me thinking that as a burn survivor and furthermore as a burn survivor with a stubborn rash, I should probably be eating a bit more thoughtfully. Filling my soon-to-be-jiggling self with refined and fatty foods is a bit careless; I'm meant to be taking care of my ailing body!

So from yesterday I began the great diet improvement plan.

It basically involves eating lots and lots of fruit and vegetables. Instead of snacking on mince pies and biscuits (sigh) I am going to be chewing on dried fruit and nuts. I'll be roasting lots of sweet potatoes instead of chips and spreading avocados instead of butter. I really enjoy colourful food, I've just fallen out of good habits.

As we all know, it's Christmas! (Yay!) Of course I will be eating plenty of naughty festive morsels but I am hoping that upping my vitamin levels and eating cleaner, more nutritious food for a couple of weeks might give me an energy boost. I would be thrilled if my rash got vanquished by vitamin power...but I'm not too confident about that one as it has smugly survived a variety of treatments.

Better put the oven on...sweet potato wedges, sweetcorn on the cob and steak for me followed by yoghurt and raspberries tonight....yum!

De nile; a river in Egypt.

Every-time I bump into someone I haven't seen for a while I'm told how wonderful I'm doing and how 'well' I look, considering. Obviously I am very pleased about this. I don't really want people telling me I look rubbish or like I've had an accident. I did that bit over Summer and I would like to put it in a little box in my mind, never to be opened again.

There are several types of denial and I think that I might be suffering from minimisation; admitting the fact but denying it's seriousness. When I discuss the event with people I can hear myself downplaying the horror of what has happened. It can lead to cognitive distortion, one part of this would be downplaying a trauma in order to avoid worry for yourself or others. Surely though, this can be a positive thing? Who wants to listen to someone's sob story again and again? And feeling too sorry for yourself can inhibit action and moving on.

I have adopted a 'get on with it and don't dwell on it' attitude and this has meant I can carry on with my life as normally as possible. I have wondered if I might be missing the stages I should be going through but perhaps I will avoid all that drama.

Mostly I am severely irritated by this stupid accident. It was really ridiculous and shouldn't have happened. (Perhaps this is my anger stage...) I love my life, I'm young, I have a job I love and friends and family around me. I have a busy and exciting social life and a fantastic boyfriend. I have worked really hard to get all these things and just as they line up...this happened! It's in the way of the life I want to live. I just want to forget it. Deny it! Minimise it! And continue to live life as before.

This is very difficult though. I've become a different person and this often surfaces in my mind. I don't think most people would notice but I notice it myself. I can't be as spontaneous as I was before, for example I can't go out partying all night, I get too tired. I can't be as carefree because I am reminded of what has happened and I have to look after myself more now.

Ideally, I will never feel long term misery over this incident. Minimising what has happened doesn't minimise the reality of it; the events and aftermath will be forever engraved in my memory and I make light of them in order to get on with my life. If I didn't, perhaps I would struggle to cope. I think that this is a useful defence mechanism for me and as long as I don't overlook any strong feelings I have otherwise, I can't see why I shouldn't keep up this attitude. Long live denial!

It's good to talk...or write.

I know that counselling works. I've seen the statistics and I'm under no illusions that talking through things helps. Still, I can't get on with counselling so I've been referred to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I don't know how many of you reading have had counselling, probably more than I think! Perhaps it has suited some of you. Unfortunately I find it irritating and unhelpful. It gets on my nerves, revisiting the same old issues, ones that can't be changed. I've had an accident, there are scars on my arm now, it's not the same. I have no choice is this matter, so questioning me is not going to help me.

Counsellor: So how are you feeling about things?

Me: A bit rubbish.

Counseller: And why do you think that might be?

Me: Um, because I got set on fire?

I can never think of anything to ask the counsellor, so it became pretty much a one way conversation. And it was depressing. Let's spend the next hour discussing the worst moment of my life. (I almost added 'so far' here but resisted. This better be the worst!)

I'm hoping that CBT will be a bit more 'hands on' and look at solving issues rather than discussing them.

I was reading in my Psychologies magazine this month about 'how writing can help you heal.' Apparently James Pennebaker, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas did an experiment in the 1980s, getting his students to write down their feelings about an emotional upheaval for 15 to 20 minutes a day for 4 days. The students reported feeling better in a number of ways. Pennebaker went on to research this approach and found an improvement in a wide range of ailments from depression to asthma. He also found his subjects' immune systems were boosted and they visited their Doctors less often.

He believes that our minds are designed to try to understand and process things. Therefore writing down our thoughts and experiences helps to sift through them. Expressing them can help us make sense of trauma and cope more effectively.

Of course, that fits perfectly in with my blog. This has definitely helped me out more than traditional counselling!

Make up update, new products, new tips

Since my accident I have been using Dermablend by Vichy to cover up the red marks and (minor but still there) scars on my face. 3 months after that fateful day I went to a Red Cross make-up lesson and was prescribed some make-up on the NHS. I was dubious about this. Prescription make-up on the NHS would be the poor cousin of expensive, fully priced, advertised cosmetics...right? WRONG!

The prescription make-up is Fabulous with a capital F.

DERMA COLOR CAMOUFLAGE CREME AND FIXING POWDER


DERMA COLOR CREME - HOW TO USE

Derma color creme doesn't look easy to use. It is a solid block of colour set inside a pot. I can promise that once you have the knack, you will have flawless skin.

1. You need to apply this creme with a sponge. I have been using a little piece of natural sponge as advised by Red Cross. Before using, damp the sponge under running water and then squeeze it in a towel. This will stop it being too wet, otherwise it won't work as well. (Learnt from experience.)

2. Dig your fingernail in the pot of creme (away from you so it doesn't go under your nail and just sits on top of it!) and get a little out. Take a small amount at a time. Wipe/dab it on the back of your hand, the opposite hand that you will use to apply it.

Amazingly, as soon as the creme hits the back of your hand and gets warm, it turns fluid!

3. Press your sponge on the creme on the back of your hand. Then press and roll the sponge on your face, starting from the nose outwards. You can also dab the sponge firmly on your face in harder to cover areas.

4. Make sure you blend at the sides of your face!

5. Wipe the sponge down each side of your nose.

I usually need to take a little 'dig' out of the pot for each cheek, one for my chin and one for my forehead.

6. After this, you should have a natural colour building up on your face. You shouldn't need much else! However, I do cover and blend the redder areas by using the Dermablend by Vichy Concealer stick that I bought from Boots. (See earlier post.)

DERMA COLOR FIXING POWDER-HOW TO USE

The fixing powder is interesting. I would like to know who created this impossible-to-use pot. Unfortunately it goes everywhere, a waste of product and a waste of money for the NHS! It really is a terrible design compared to the Vichy pot. There are many, many bronzers and loose powders out there, all in perfectly usable pots. So why the Derma color people decided upon this one in their camouflage board room, I have no idea. If I come up with a solution to limit it's scattering tendencies, I'll let you know!

1. You can use a powder puff but I don't have one so I've been using cotton wool pads.

2. Load up the pads with the powder and simply dab it all over your face, paying extra attention to the areas that have the most coverage on. Then you can go back and press the powder gently into your face. Don't be rough, you don't want to dislodge the make-up.

3. LEAVE FOR AT LEAST 10 MINUTES! Don't rush this process!

4. AFTER AT LEAST 10 MINUTES! Use a large brush to dust the powder off, very lightly. You will find that most of it has been absorbed.

5. Delicately add on your normal blusher and the rest of your make-up.

This company say that the make-up has NEVER caused an allergic reaction in anyone. I do think that this make-up seems to cause me less irritation than the Vichy one. It has also caused me less little 'blisters' or 'spots' under my chin but this could be because my skin is healed more now.

They also claim that the make-up is waterproof. While I can't vouch for this exactly, I have been swimming in it. I was slightly splashed in the face and it didn't budge one bit.

It also says in the instructions that you won't need to re-apply it at any time. Although it lasts a long time, you might want to re-powder during the day as it can go a bit shiny. The company do a pre-make-up cleanser for oily skin should you be having trouble with the longevity of the make-up. I think you would need to ask your doctor or Red Cross consultant if you wanted to use this.

They also make skin 'plastic' for very uneven skin. Although I don't need to use this myself, I think it would be another amazing product.

To get the make-up off I have been using Clinque Cleansing Balm and then a face wash but the Red Cross consultants used Aqueous cream....much cheaper!

You definitely need patience with this make-up but it is worth it.

PTSD - not all wounds are visible

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was something I studied in Psychology at College, not something I thought I would ever suffer from. Yet recently I was diagnosed with mild symptoms of the disorder and have been referred to a type of therapy known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is to minimise the chance of developing anxieties or phobias linked to the accident and 'trauma' suffered.

We know more about PTSD nowadays because lots of soldiers coming back from war will suffer from it due to the terrible experiences they have had. It is important to treat people after trauma in a timely fashion to stop the disorder eating them up and taking away their ability to live a fulfilled life. It can also lead to other problems such as alcohol dependency, depression and an inability to cope.

Although I've been told some of the symptoms I am experiencing are part of the disorder, I feel that most people who have suffered a trauma would display these feelings or behaviours. PTSD can be diagnosed if these symptoms are still prevalent after 6 weeks but I do feel that some of these may persist for months or longer. I think having a significant accident may make you always feel differently towards certain things.

An example would be strong, uncomfortable feelings related to situations related to the event. I am probably always going to be nervous around BBQs, bonfires and other sources of open flame or fire. I'm not sure these 'strong, uncomfortable feelings' will go away after 6 weeks. I'm not sure they will go away at all!

I am quite 'hyper-vigilant' but am hoping this will lessen over time. Apparently this is something that CBT will help with. Bright, electrical lights startle me, like gas flames or fireworks. When the fish-tank light came on the other night, I jumped out my seat! I also see accidents everywhere but I think this will lessen too. It's early days still.

I have also had palpitations a few times and can suddenly feel my heart pound in my chest. I constantly check for fire exits, refuse to get into lifts or move the oven gloves away from the hanging on the oven door!

I'm really pleased that I am being referred to CBT as although I think I'm doing really well in my recovery I'd hate to miss something and it escalate into an irrational fear. It's better to act early. As resilient as I am, I still need support to make sure I recover from this ordeal as well as I can.

The person who has had the accident needs to take action themselves but others can also help them by acting appropriately. If you know someone who has had an accident or trauma, follow this advice from the Royal College of Psychiatrists. There is nothing worse than people telling you how lucky you are! Believe me!

Do…….
*watch out for any changes in behaviour – poor performance at work, lateness, taking sick leave, minor accidents
*watch for anger, irritability, depression, lack of interest, lack of concentration
*take time to allow a trauma survivor to tell their story
*ask general questions
*let them talk, don’t interrupt the flow or come back with your own experiences.

Don’t …….
*tell a survivor you know how they feel – you don’t
*tell a survivor they’re lucky to be alive – it doesn't feel like that to them
*minimise their experience – “it’s not that bad, surely …”
*suggest that they just need to "pull themselves together".

Further information can be found on the Royal College of Psychiatrists website.