Now, I will have to be very careful how I phrase this post, in order to make sure I'm understood. I've explained how I'm feeling about work to a couple of people so far and I've been met with doubtful faces and concerned expressions. Really? Their eyes worry. Are you really feeling like that?
So. Here it goes. The truth in it's unglossed form. Work doesn't have the same hold over me at the moment. It's not the be-all and end-all of my world. If I can't meet the deadline; I can't. If I can't mark 78 assessments in one evening; I won't. And at end of the workday, after hours of whinging teens, (my homework's on my USB...he's taken my pen...why can't I use my phone in class?) if I don't feel like doing any more work then I'm not going to. I'm going to read a book. Or watch X Factor. Or go out for dinner.
I used to get so stressed about work. It was the centre of my life. Being a teacher defined me; it was often all consuming. The planning monster lives alongside most teachers, eating their evenings and then chewing them up and spitting them out too. By the time they drag their shredded selves back to class, the pupils are poised to pick at the rest of their remains. It makes it hard to be an effective teacher but you make yourself reach that self-instilled goal because you love your work, you believe in education and these little people, these 'young adults,' are relying on you in a way that is almost heart-rending. You tick many boxes, alternative role-model and bringer of educational and financial future being but a few.
I am still passionate about my teaching role. Yet as I sit here now and observe my list of life priorities I am aware of how far work has slipped. My loved ones are waving from the top seat. My health is there too. My quality of life perches somewhere amongst them. Doing the things I love, the things that enrich my life and make it a better day are dangling way above work and sticking their tongue out. Work is there amongst the fray but it is now a crowded place and not a reserved spot.
It's at this moment in my explanation that people look at me as if I'm having a mental moment. The worry wavers in their strained smiles. This isn't normal behaviour for a career-driven young woman who's spent her early-to-mid twenties riding the qualification train. Am I not fulfilled? Perhaps it's the school I'm in, they offer gently. Maybe it's because I've had a stressful year and after some time, a term perhaps, I will feel better. Here is where people are missing the point. I do feel better! It is wonderful to come into work wondering about what I'll get done today instead of stressing how I'm going to construct hundreds of reports, mark reams of writing and deliver all-singing all-dancing lessons to x-box heads. These days I make a list, complete what I realistically can complete...then head home.
My priorities have altered. Instead of panicking about the things-to-do list I'm much more likely to sit down with a cuppa and a chocolate bourbon and have a little watch out the window. I've found that this attitude has actually made me a more effective teacher in a really round-a-bout way. My lessons are calmer because I am calmer and this rubs off on the children. Bizarrely I am still getting everything done. Being less obsessed about moving on to the next thing means that the task in hand is completed more effectively and I don't waste time procrastinating!
Life is the cake. Elements like health, quality of life and friends and family make up the icing. And work is merely the cherry on top.
Now, it's time for a Tetley and a biscuit followed by some marking. I really do have 78 assessments to make a start on....but if I don't get them all done before Downton Abbey comes on, tomorrow is another day!
