Life as usual

As I walked into my least favourite place on earth, the burns unit, I tried not to think about what was on the agenda. I knew I was having steroid injections into my scars and I knew it was going to hurt. But I wasn't sure about anything else. I had questions...

The consultant, an imposing man with a mop of Einstein hair swept in, ready to jab me with the two needles he brandished. He didn't have many answers for me, only that I would have this done every 6 weeks until it was effective and that numbing gel didn't work so I should try mindfulness and breathing to combat the pain. So, armed with this vague knowledge I turned my head away and gripped my Mum's hand.

During the procedure I wasn't sure how many times the needle impaled me but upon counting the residual holes I'd had 12 steroid injections in an area of scarring about 2 inches by 1 inch. He wanted to do more and the injection hovered perilously close to some other scars but I had to stop! It's going down on my list of painful experiences; it felt something akin to having drawing pins slowly wiggled into your flesh. The needles have to be quite sturdy to get through the thickened scar tissue and the consultant has to be firm and heavy handed to get it done.

"Do I have to do anything particular now?" I asked the consultant.
"Not at all," he said. 'Get on with life as usual. I'll see you in six weeks."

Body modification: are scars art?

Attractive : Pleasing to the eye or mind. What is pleasing to the eye or mind varies from culture to culture, person to person. Burmese Kayan women strive to achieve their beauty ideal, an elongated neck, by wearing multiple neck rings. Ear stretching has gained popularity in western culture in the last ten years or so and has been common in tribes around the world for many years. In fact, mummified bodies have shown the Egyptians were partial to a bit of ear stretching when having a rest from pyramid construction.

There are other less mainstream procedures that some people deem acceptable body modification or body 'art.' Body modification, according to our old fave wiki, is 'the deliberate altering of the human body for any non-medical reason, such as aesthetics, sexual enhancement, a rite of passage, religious reasons, to display group membership or affiliation, to create body art, shock value, or self expression.' These can vary from the mundane ear piercing to the quite barbaric process known as 'scarification,' purposely causing scars on one's body, usually in the form of designs, pictures, or words. This can be achieved through similar procedures to livestock branding or cutting, intentionally causing scars. This brings me to wonder, if people are causing their body trauma in the name of beauty, does this mean scars can be counted as art? The main difference between my scars and body modification scars is that the latter are completed with a finished product in mind. Despite this, there are patterns in my scars that will emerge as my body continues to heal. The artist Ted Meyer has taken beautiful impressions of scars and photographed the person who owns them, resulting in some emotive work. I had a particular affinity with 'burn on arm...'

Recently a friend of mine decided to have the scar on her head tattooed with a hair pattern resulting in an artistic piece of work. It makes me wonder how many people have chosen to have their scars re-interpreted in body modification? Apparently it's not an easy process as scar tissue is much thicker and more sensitive but it can be done. When I searched, I found lots of images showing people covering their scars with tattoos, mostly with beautiful results.

So here's the final question, are scars art? We didn't want them, we didn't ask for them but they're here to stay. People use their bodies as a canvas of their experience, tattooing them with images to remind them of poignant memories or perhaps the experiences that gave them strength...isn't that what scars are too?

Tattoo photos from the artist Ted Meyer: http://www.tedmeyer.com/home.html

Steroid injections, silicone sheets and BRING OUT THE LASER!

After being sent home from the hospital with repeated instructions to 'give it time' and 'be patient' there was a sudden change in attitude this week. According to the physiotherapist I should have seen a consultant 2 months ago but no one had told me! I'd discussed steroid injections with the physiotherapists who thought I should wait as my scars are still changing. They issued me with silicone sheets in the meantime and I waited patiently for the elusive specialist to make his appearance. When his schedule finally permitted the consultant strode in, took one cursory look and barked 'start her on a course of steroid injections and laser!' Then he turned and strode out again taking the air from the room with him. The physio and the side-kick mini-me consultant started huffing and puffing over the instructions. 'I'll get the steroids...' Side-kick headed for the door.

Whaaaat? One short moment ago I was being advised that steroid injections were a bad idea because of a possibility of depressing my scars and all of a sudden, on one recommendation, mini-me was happy to stick a needle in my shoulder? Stop right there...

I rearranged for next Friday with the excuse that I was driving to work after the appointment and if they hurt me (which in my experience they usually do) then I wouldn't be in the best frame of my mind for greeting 30 shouting teenagers. Really, I wanted to get my head around the treatment and do a little research...

Steroids - what are they?

Steroids can be used for a range of problems and generally reduce inflammation in the cells. They are commonly used to control joint pain and can be used to flatten types of raised scarring. General consensus says they are usually uncomfortable when administered into scar tissue and a course is normally recommended. Side effects can include the scar becoming depressed, changes in skin pigment and something called telangiectasia which is small dilated blood vessels appearing.

I'm fairly nervous about having the injections because of the pain factor and the depressed scar side-effect but the possible positive results such as a flatter, paler scar are very desirable! Here's to next Friday...fingers crossed!

Silicone

The other treatment I have embarked upon is wearing silicone sheets under my compression vest. In the early days I used kelo-cote, a silicone gel, on my facial injuries and I have been left with flat, almost invisible scars even on the third degree burn areas. However, the success of silicone is debatable subject. Some people claim there is little evidence that silicone sheets work yet others claim they are a miracle treatment. The way I see it is they are one of the easier things to work with and so are worth a go. They aren't uncomfortable, invasive or time-consuming like most other things on offer.

I've struggled to find out the science of how silicone works to reduce scarring. Theories include the bizarre claim that they create an electro-static field, hydration, increased blood flow and increased oxygen flow. One concept that sounds more likely was occlusion. When the skin is damaged, it struggles to stay hydrated as the outer-layer has been compromised. This dehydration is thought to stimulate an increase in certain proteins that can contribute to scarring. So silicone sheeting is thought to correct occlusion which restores the water balance in the skin and scar tissue.

Here I am, all strapped up and awaiting scary things like injections and lasers (to be continued.) It's all part of the quest for the arm I had before.

The cat, the devil and the quest for forgiveness.

The definition of an accident is that it wasn't intentional. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it.' Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it though, not when the result is a serious injury. I'm injured, like hundreds of others, because of someone else's actions. 'I had an accident' but really, I didn't 'have an accident,' someone else caused an accident that involved me.

This is a murky area of the human psyche. If someone has caused you harm does it matter if they're sorry? Taking intention out of the equation makes no difference to me; I still have a burnt body needing months of kindness to recover mentally and physically.

I had therapy last week and the guy asked me about my feelings towards the individual who changed my body forever. I was aware of some underlying anger issues but the torrent of emotion that sprang forth surprised even me. I could hear myself expressing my internal struggle in a clear and precise explanation that any English teacher would be proud of and as I listened to my choice of words I thought, is that really me talking? I sounded horrible. According to my therapist this is normal, feelings following trauma are not neat or nice, in fact they are more of a chaotic, war-torn tumble fighting to get out first.

We are taught forgiveness from an early age by our parents, religion, school and even moralistic cartoons...but what if we can't forgive someone? Does that make us a bad person? After all 'it was an accident' I hear you chorus but if I had been set on fire intentionally, public outcry would have a different voice.
There are a couple of ways to cope with this loaded issue and until time calms the mental wound (because time does dull all) I have to employ them as best as possible. The kindest outlook to adopt is empathy. I find this helps humanise the individual rather than demonising them. From a distance it's easy to work yourself into a fury over the actions of this devil playing with flames. Reducing them back to the person they are; weak, vulnerable and just as much a pawn in life as you helps drain the poison out of your thoughts.

The second stance to take is one of a cat. I recently went to an Egyptian museum (Turin, Italy) where cats are featured prominently, worshipped as Gods. Cats rise above it all and look down at you from a great height with an aloof demeanour. They squint their green-slit eyes at the little people and purr, 'just who are you?' This is a great way to be when trapped in a situation like this, distanced and dignified. Someone has made a negative impact but they shouldn't be allowed to ruin your life. You should never give someone that power over you. An example would be my recent return to work. People kept asking if I'd be able to cope being in such close proximity to the site of the accident, people even asked if I was going to come back to work at all. I just keep thinking about how much I love my job and what a further punishment it would be if I couldn't return. Why should I be the one to leave? I will not allow someone else to influence my life more than they already have. Where I can kick against it I will, with narrowed eyes and a hiss escaping my lips, 'just who are you?'

Forgiveness is just another conflict in this long fight for victory and maybe this is a battle lost. Sometimes you have to learn to let one go. Yet as they say, I may have lost this battle but I will win the war.