Mary, Mary quite contrary...Project Balcony!

If one more person tells me to 'enjoy the sunshine' I'm going to give them a smack round the chops. Lucky UK have been experiencing crazy climes for March with the last 4 days reaching heights of 20+ degrees. It's beautiful out; meltingly hot. Too hot. To feel safe in the sun I have to go out smothered in 50+ SPF, parasol in hand, sporting the long sleeved top/compression vest combo. It's really uncomfortable in all those layers and I worry about over-exposing my face. I'm still not sure how long is too long.

Earlier this week I tried to go for a walk but the rays battered me back; there was no shade in the park and I was forced to retreat. I came home and wrote the blog post 'the temperature's rising; so is my temper' and slammed around on my balcony for a while.

Epiphany!

As I ranted down the phone about the weather I realised although the sun still blazed over London, I was actually a little bit chilly. The balcony gets the sun until around midday and then it's shade all the way. Hmmmm.

It was a guy who rented this place before us and boy, can you tell. The balcony was adrift with dirt, feathers, cigarette butts, crab claws and general paraphernalia dropped by seagulls. The railings were billowing with spider webs and daubed with bird 'splatter.' Wedged in the far corner was a dirty looking table. With a lack of things to do and a general rage bubbling lava-like inside me, I grabbed washing up liquid, Windolene, polish and set to work. Before long I had made a discovery...the table was yellow and blue!



At one end of the balcony there were huddled some sad, wind-beaten terracotta pots spewing out straggly weeds and at the other end a tangle of brooms. Before the close of day one we had a table, the balcony was swept clean and the pots washed out. I pondered my next move. As the last thing I probably planted was a salad cress Mr Potato Head age 8, I called my Mum.



Two days later after one trip to the garden centre, two plant-related trips to Asda and almost an entire day planting and cleaning, the balcony is ready to be revealed! I have several pansy pots, basil, coriander and parsley and a hanging tomato basket. A horticultural feast!



The fabulous thing is that when the weaker morning sun shines in I am able to sit and have my breakfast. It's a new sport - 'controlled sunbathing.' I can wear my cowboy hat/sunglasses/50 SPF/long sleeves without getting too hot and even better...there is no one to see me in my strange outfit! Later in the evening there's no sun anyway so dining al fresco is on the menu.

It's lucky I'm a resourceful person. I can see why people get beaten down after injuries and trauma. It's extremely exhausting to keep bouncing back and making the best out of things. To anyone in this situation, the only advice I can give is that you do feel better by keeping busy. Learn how to cook, sew, write haikus, plant pansies...anything that passes the time and gets you in the 'flow.' It's quite calming once you get into it and every day you finish is another day closer to complete recovery. And if getting resourceful still doesn't alleviate the frustration and anger, at least you have a pretty balcony to scream blue from...

Go hard or go home.

I've entered the next stage of recovering from a burn injury.

It's the 'I must have maximum fun at all times' stage and it's really hard work. I think it's happening because:

1) I feel like I missed out on several months of my life and I'm making up for lost time;

2)I am subconsciously thinking about how life is so short and I need to make the most of every second of it;

3) I know if my face had been permanently damaged I might have not wanted to do these things again for a long time or perhaps ever;

4) And to be brutally honest, it's a welcome distraction from the whole scarred-for-life issue.

So every second of every minute of most days I feel slightly hyperactive. I'm buzzing, unable to sit down. My thoughts are like sentences without punctuation, sometimes even missingthespacesbetweenthewords. It means I'm getting lots of things done and I'm moving through the days of my two year sentence but it also means...if I read a book I do it super-fast; devouring the Hunger Games Trilogy in about 10 hours. If I cook, it must be a done in a frenzy. If I watch T.V I must simultaneously read a book, check Facebook and think about a blog post. At parties I must have 'the best time ever' in case this is my last soiree; resulting in two very nasty hangovers so far. It's exhausting.

Not only is it exhausting, it's taking it's toll on my body. The once honed and toned temple has been eroded by wine, softened by cheese and bloated by bread. I've stuffed down extravagant mid-week meals, Friday take-aways and lunches at galleries without heed. My energy levels have plummeted and it's only the impeding Summer that have put any brakes on my truffling.

This year I have to wear the high neck blouse and compression vest combo (so last season) leaving me limited with Summer wear. I want to make sure I feel as good as possible about myself come Summer-time otherwise there will be even less options available.

At Christmas I could run 0 miles and now I can run one mile. Step 1 complete.

The temperature's rising; so is my temper.

The temperature and my temper rise simultaneously.

Even before I fully woke up yesterday morning I could feel the warmth radiating from behind the curtains and the sweat pooling between my shoulder blades, under the compression vest. My forearm glared at me, the scars raised higher than usual, livid from the heat.

I went to my wardrobe and looked at the array of outfits I'd collected since last September. I don't own anything designed for weather of this degree, at least not anything I would wear outside the privacy of my own home. I looked at my elbow-length sleeved tops but I didn't want to wear anything that showed even the scars on my forearm because the heat had made them redder than normal.

I put on the thinnest long sleeved top I owned and left the house. I rapidly began to realise that it wouldn't matter what top I wore, it was the compression vest that was the problem. They are designed to trap in body heat to improve scarring. Therefore the more heat I produce, the hotter I become. I basically incubate myself.

I persisted with my plan to go to the V and A Museum. I sat outside in the gardens and drank some coffee. The place is beautiful. It seemed temperate, even a bit breezy so I decided to go for a walk through nearby Kensington Gardens.

Firstly, I didn't realise how large Kensington Gardens were. As I wandered in the general direction of next door Hyde Park with a vague plan to meander to the Jubilee Line, I began to notice just how hot the beating sun was. There was no shade, the meadows stretched in all directions. The light glinted off the various ponds and dogs were running around their owners, dragging sticks and chasing balls. It was a perfect day except...the sweat was running down my back. And I became acutely aware of my face...

I've mentioned it before, the fear of catching the sun on my face. The burn unit told me I could hyper-pigment which causes dark patches, a bit like age spots. It's the last thing I need right now, sun-damage to my new skin. I had put quite a lot of make-up on that morning because the heat gives new life to the red patches around and under my eyes and along the length of my chin. Other than the make-up, I had no sun-protection on. I walked so quickly back towards the exit of the gardens I was almost jogging but it took a long time to get back across the enormous meadow. All the while inside I was panicking. What if I catch the sun on my face? I could feel the compression vest choking me, the heat inside it making me sticky and uncomfortable...making me angry.

Luckily, I didn't catch the sun on my face. I got home and stood around in my compression vest until I cooled off. My anger didn't cool off though.

This morning, even before I fully woke up I could feel the warmth radiating from behind the curtains, the sweat pooling between my shoulder blades, under the compression vest and my anger rising. The long winter months are over and it seems as though I will be uncomfortable for many months to come. And I'm very, very, very, very angry.

It's my birthday tomorrow....!

It's been a crazy year! And I am so RELIEVED to have made it through from 26 to 27 years of age. It's been a learning curve, a life lesson and all those cliches.

Here's some interesting stuff I've learned this birthday year.

1) The power of optimism.

2) Sexy comes in many different guises.

3) Your friends and family really are the roots of happiness.

4) It's the small things
that make the biggest differences.

5) Life is unpredictable; amazing and terrifying in equal measures.

6) The highs are higher when the lows are lower.

7) Being alone is not too bad.

8) Empathy and patience.

9) You don't need to be really thin and perfect to fall in love and have someone love you back.

AND FINALLY...

10) Don't stand near BBQs.

Micro-needling - improving burn scars?

According to many sources, burn scars are hard to treat. Burns are unpredictable; they produce a variation of scar types, including keloid and hypertrophic and they can become thicker and harder as they age. Not only are they uncomfortable, itchy (for some) and sore, they can also impede movement and flexibility depending on their location and severity. And that's without even venturing into the aesthetic side of things...

Today I heard about a procedure called 'micro-needling' from a friend who is looking into having it done. It's not something I've come across so I thought I'd see what I could find out about it. The net can be a shady place for all things medical but I've found a couple of interesting odds and ends...

Micro-needling is mainly used for cosmetic purposes it seems, in the Madonna-esque quest for perfect, youthful skin. Indeed site after site shouted slogans similar to this gem, 'proven skin rejuvenation treatment great for reducing signs of aging!' Yet this procedure can also be used for great means...to give burn survivors back a better version of their skin.

The way Micro-needling works (and I'm no Doctor/Scientist so Doctors/Scientists feel free to correct me!) is that tiny (micro) needles are rollered over the skin in order to promote collagen production. These needles are usually tiny because the idea is not to create a wound as such but just enough trauma to trigger the wound healing process, i.e. the production of collagen.

Collagen is a term bandied about a lot so I'll take a moment here to explain it. It's a type of protein found in the body and is the building block of our skin. As we get older we stop being able to produce collagen so well and this results in the appearance of fine lines and slacker skin. According to one site we stop producing it at 40! This might be where some run for the hills (or to the nearest collagen-injecting clinic) because without collagen in our skin we begin to age. Scars are also made from collagen but it is laid down in a different structure. This abnormal structure is more susceptible to sun damage, reduced elasticity, nerve issues and also does not grow hair as it doesn't contain follicles. It also looks very different to 'normal' skin. In theory, puncturing the skin very slightly stimulates the bodies need to repair itself and so collagen is produced to fill in the gaps. Micro-needling of scarred areas could prompt the body to have another go at healing itself, just in a more controlled manner. Scarring happens because the body is trying to 'fix' itself and it isn't so controlled, resulting in unpredictable laying down of collagen in order to close the wound, causing redness, bumpiness and so on.

According to one site I looked at (see links below) the needles should be very small. Although the needles are only milimetres long, the characteristically thickened skin of a burn scar means that topical anesthetic creams might not be effective and so it still could be quite painful. Therefore, it might be necessary to complete the procedure under general anesthetic. It also takes a very long time (months) to see results with micro-needling as burn scars take a long time to change. For someone who has lived with a burn scar this is not so much of an issue...we are used to being told to 'wait. It's still early days!' The positive changes include flatter scar tissue and reduction in inflammation and redness.

One of the sites that kept coming up was the 'official medical Dermaroller' which has some photos of patients that have had micro-needling click here for images.


The most informative site I visited was written by the inventor of Dermaroller, Horst Liebl: http://www.dermaroller.com/en/scar-treatment/all-about-scars as it had a section all about burn scars and 'the real and dramatic therapeutic breakthrough for the successful treatment and improvement of burn scars.' 'In all cases a significant aesthetic improvement could be achieved.'


If anyone has had, or knows someone who has had this procedure please let readers know how you got on in the comments box below!

http://www.dermaroller.com/

http://plasticsurgery.about.com/b/2010/01/26/is-micro-needling-too-good-to-be-true.htm

The Human Experience

Up and down,
with baggage,
alone.
The staircase rings out;
specific steps designed
with a destination in mind.
Mind
the people racing
up and down,
with baggage,
alone.

Eyes meet another's
and we both know,
THIS step
has more meaning than the rest.

This is not a new idea,
heaven knows.
And hell's gates
open/close.

The Rules of Civility

'The insects were pinned on the felt in such a way that you could only see the topsides of their wings. But if you know anything about butterflies, you know that the two sides of their wings can be dramatically different. If the top is an opalescent blue, the underside can be a brownish gray with ocher spots. The sharp contrast provides butterflies with a material evolutionary advantage, because when their wings are open they can attract a mate, while when their wings are closed they can disappear on the trunk of a tree. ...There are tens of thousands of butterflies: men and women with two dramatically different colorings - one which serves to attract and the other which serves to camouflage - and which can be switched at the instant with a flit of the wings.'


'Uncompromising purpose and the search for eternal truth have an unquestionable sex appeal for the young and high-minded; but when a person loses the ability to take pleasure in the mundane - in the cigarette on the stoop or the gingersnap in the bath - she has probably put herself in unnecessary danger. ...One must be prepared to fight for one's simple pleasures and to defend them against elegance and erudition and all manner of glamourous enticements.'

The Real House (ok.....Flat) Wives (or perhaps Girlfriends) of New York City (er....London.)

I'm in a strange situation here...I have lots of time on my hands. I have 2 days per week at my disposal, plus a weekend. Weekends still get taken up with 'must-dos' but those precious two days are all my own. Initially being off ALL the time was taken up with 'recovering,' otherwise known as feeling unwell, blogging my woes and watching terrible daytime TV ('The Real Housewives of NYC' shocking and shockingly addictive.) Now that I am feeling better and my stamina has hugely improved I am able to use this time to do 'stuff.' It is a wonderful feeling.

After the Easter holidays I'll be teaching two classes a week and so my free time will disperse. I will be back into the thick of 'real' life i.e. spending your days at work. I'll still have more time than the average teacher but I won't have the long studenty days I am currently experiencing. As going back gets closer I find myself employing my free time in an increasingly productive way. It feels like a real treat to have time to indulge myself...and I think I deserve it!

However...there are pros and cons of having lots of time.

The pros are pretty obvious.

1) I can do whatever I like! This includes things like reading in bed whilst eating toast and then trying to get rid of the crumbs; wandering around DIY and home shops for up to 2 hours and only buying a set of washing pegs; going to the library to read/sitting in cafes to read whilst everyone else runs around madly; walking really slowly on the tube and standing on the escalator instead of running up and down it; going to an empty cinema to watch a film of my choice; fixing things around the flat; painting my nails multicoloured (perhaps a step too far for a nearly 27 year old;)watching Come Dine with Me with an early glass of wine and so on and on and on......!

2) Catching up with people. There is never enough time in life to see all the people you want to. Quite often you speak to someone and say things like, 'when was the last time we met up?' By the time you've worked it out it could be a year or longer! Recently I wrote a list of friends and family and booked them all in for coffee, lunch or dinner. Then once I met them I booked in the next catch-up......after my accident I've realised life's too short not to stay in contact with my VIPs.

3) Learning about my local area and culturing myself. Although I've lived in London for around 3 years there are lots of things I haven't done. Who has time usually? I've been taking long, stamina-building non-destination walks around the area. They usually turn up something interesting, like the other day I found the Greenwich Foot Tunnel! Although I'm not a fan of enclosed spaces anymore I challenged myself to walk through it. It was so convenient, I might (might...) wander through it again. I've also been trying to go to more galleries and exhibitions.

4) Saying 'yes!' I'm going through a bit of a 'yes' stage. I think it's because I feel so lucky to be able to do things again. Even if I don't really fancy something or I would normally be too lazy to go I'm saying yes. (Except to the NPower guys by the tube with their free prize draws...that's a no.)

5. Spending time by myself and being comfortable. It's quite difficult to spend time by yourself and be comfortable but I am getting more used to it. Your internal thoughts take on a much louder voice when you're alone. I'm trying to get all karma-ish and use this time to find my 'inner peace.'

Despite all the good things, there are also downsides to being alone.

1) One of them is the point above, your inner voice can be quite irritating at times. It's hard to relax. As you can probably tell, I'm not a relaxed person. For me downtime is wasted time. I like to be doing things and that can be both a good and a bad thing. My inner voice is always reeling off the list of things I should or could be doing.

2) Feeling like you're missing out at work. I'm missing out on the in-jokes, the camaraderie and the reassuring day-to-day routine of work. I'm half there and half not. I'm also well aware that I will be over a year behind in my professional development once I return to work. VERY disappointing. I just have to remember in the grand scheme of the 50 ish years I will be working, 1 year is drop in the ocean.

3) Getting tired. There is only so much walking/gallery perusing/window shopping one can do before collapsing in a heap. And it might only be 4pm.........

4) Getting bored. Your own company can get tedious and you long for someone else to talk to. Sometimes you want to share something you've seen but if you turned to the stranger next to you and said, 'isn't that interesting?' they would think you were crazy.

The cons aren't enough to outweigh the pros at this stage though. I still have a lot of healing to do both mentally and physically but I am in a very privileged position at the moment; space and time to completely recover and feeling well enough to enjoy it.

'Out with the old' and my accidental homage to modern art.

Before I left for my post-accident flat, I decided to clear my wardrobe of all the garments I could no longer wear. I figured that it was a waste of time and space packing all those clothes and storing them when it is likely I will never feel comfortable wearing them again.

Clothes are equivalent to memories. I've bought lots of things on holidays, for special occasions and for pure love of them. I'd had some items for approximately 10 years; some I'd had since Uni! Every May I trawl through my Summer items, pulling out dresses and tops to wear for that short but blissful English Summer, feeling as though I were greeting out friends.

So throwing out around 90% of what I owned was hard.

I did it quickly, rifling through the suitcases I'd shoved them in immediately after the accident when I couldn't bear the sight of them hanging in the wardrobe. I flung them onto the floor, barely looking.

Anything that couldn't be customised
with a lace body underneath was
chucked on the 'chuck' pile. As my injuries span my chest and neck, nothing with any semblance of neckline could remain and the many sleeveless and strapless numbers went. That day I stocked nearly every charity shop in my town! I only kept two items that I couldn't bear to say goodbye to. I couldn't believe the pile and took pictures which I was only reminded of today....

Today I decided to go to the Tate Modern for a wander and stopped dead at the installation 'Venus of the Rags.' This piece is meant to bring together classical art (in the form of Venus) and contemporary society (in the form of second hand clothes.) I instantly renamed it 'burn survivor edits wardrobe.' The figurine had her head resting tenderly on the bundles of clothes as if forced to part with them. It summed up exactly what I felt last month when undergoing the same process.



Most modern art takes the form of the bizarre and confusing but I felt an eerie connection with 'Venus of the Rags.'

Rose tinted glasses; the tinted bubble of positive illusions.

I'm currently reading a book (Affluenza by Oliver James) that throws out the question, 'do we need to self-deceive to be happy?'

I have always tried to live each day as it comes, more so now than ever and this means not dwelling on what has happened to me. I try to see it as just an event in my life, alongside all the others. Neither good nor bad, just 'there.' Many people have told me how well I've coped. Although a lot of this could be down to my positive outlook...could it just be that I have a strong ability to 'suppress depressing truths in order to keep the show on the road?'

I am still human....if I sit and think too hard or really look at my arm I feel the misery imp on my shoulder. But if I flick him off into the abyss and put a jumper on everything suddenly looks much brighter.

According to the writer, James, 'being grateful for what you have is good for survival.' If you stop looking for something else and make the most out of what you already have you are more likely to thrive. I like this idea. However James goes on to say that it is against our consumerist society to be satisfied with our lot. Ideal body images flaunting flawless skin are thrust down our throats every second of every day, suggesting that those who are 'less than' should be working to obtain this image of prefection. My arm will never look the same again. Yet in my mind I see that 'ideal' and I strive to achieve it, deceiving myself that there might be a possibility.

Ironically, this self-deception might actually work. For example, if I hung up my dancing shoes and said, 'oh well, my arm will never look the same again so I may as well stop massaging, doing my exercises and throw my compression garments into the Thames,' my arm certainly never will look the same again. Yet if I keep up the self-deception and believe it will all work out, I will continue with the skin care and procedures that are needed to get as close to it 'all working out' as possible.

This self-deception goes by another name. Hope.

Affluenza.

All the small things....

Since the accident I've been wearing strapless bras or a bra strap that goes across one shoulder because my injury is so sore. Yesterday, for the first time, I was able to wear two bra straps! I am wearing them over compression vests so it's not exactly glamorous but equally, it's nice not to be lop-sided anymore!

Since the accident I've found it's the small things that have really irritated me. I can ignore the larger problem and hide it out of sight and out of mind but the bra strap issue got right on my....nerves. After an accident it's the small things that really do count: being able to wear earrings again; being able to pluck my eyebrows again, being able to tuck the shaved sideburns behind my ears and being able to go out without a parasol at all times.

Each little step is a small victory.

The Hermit Card

We speed through our busy lives (me especially!) and rarely let ourselves introspect, think or feel. Often this is because thinking and feeling can throw up unhappy or unwanted feelings so we keep busy, blitz through our time, consuming days and months. This way we don’t have to think or feel, we can just ‘do.’

I have been in a position before where outwardly I’ve appeared to be a busy, active and fun-loving person; travelling to this country, that place, seeing, doing…but it was all just a distraction. I did have a frivolous type of fun but mostly I didn’t want to stop and think about what I wanted from life and how I would achieve it. (Perhaps this is just your early 20s….!) Consequently, things didn’t change for quite a while because I was too busy to stop and think. I flirted with introspection briefly but it threw up issues I’d rather ignore…so I moved on to the next activity. The situation eventually changed once I started to think and question what I wanted from life.

I’ve had a lot of time to think since my accident. I had my tarot cards read a day before it happened and my reading for the six weeks ahead included the ‘Hermit’ card. Considering the 6 weeks school summer holiday was diarised to bursting point with trips, holidays and social events I initially dismissed that little hunched monk carrying his lonely lantern.

Weeks later, lying in bed alone with my thoughts and unable to move, I recalled the Hermit card. I couldn’t help but feel that I was meant to take something profound from this experience. I had so much planned to do and yet I was (and still am) forced to stop and take stock. I’ve had a lot of time to think about ‘who I am.’ I nearly lost part of my identity as I was inches away from severely damaging my face and I lost a great deal of who I am temporarily, whilst recovering.

However, being too introspective and thinking about everything can be just as harmful. During my previous 6 week summer holiday I was quite isolated due to where I was living. Being alone with my thoughts too much made me feel miserable and I over-obsessed about things. Eventually I went in search of volunteering and worked at an inner city farm play scheme for two weeks, to keep my mind occupied. Too much introspection can make you maudlin!

I much prefer being busy but during a recovery that is not an option. Initially you don’t feel well and where pain is present, profound thoughts usually aren’t. Once the pain lifts or becomes manageable your mind starts piping up. You go through a very thoughtful, introspective time because although you are feeling more yourself you are still not well enough to be busy all the time. You could dull your mind with television…but there’s only so much daytime T.V one can take!

Obviously a balance between thinking and doing is the preferred desire. Balance is the aim in everything but so often very hard to achieve. I sit and wonder what have I learned from this experience? Perhaps I have now gained a greater sense of self? Perhaps I have found a better balance between the quiet hermit and the social butterfly? I’m not sure. Let me have a think about it….

It's such a perfect day....sunshine and seagulls

Today has been (so far) one of those rare and treasured days. Everything has been perfect.

- I woke up to sunshine
- My morning avocado was perfectly ripe
- I went to Mudchute farm, expecting nothing, finding lots, including Llamas
- The birds were singing, the sheep were baaing and the really cute rabbits snuffling
- Had a delicious lunch in the farm's organic cafe, in the sun, surrounded by noisy animals and happy children
- One of the happy children had the same unusual name as me and looked like I did as a little lass
- Found my local cinema and watched 'The Woman in Black' (scared myself witless)
- The pedestrian crossing lights were green all the way home.....
- ......and some girls were handing out free copies of Grazia magazine which I refrained from buying this morning as i've been too frivolous this week
- The sun is still out, I'm on the balcony and the seagulls are swooping over the water
- I might have a glass of wine in the sun just because

It's days like this that make you thankful.

And look what went past my balcony.....!