The cat, the devil and the quest for forgiveness.

The definition of an accident is that it wasn't intentional. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it.' Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it though, not when the result is a serious injury. I'm injured, like hundreds of others, because of someone else's actions. 'I had an accident' but really, I didn't 'have an accident,' someone else caused an accident that involved me.

This is a murky area of the human psyche. If someone has caused you harm does it matter if they're sorry? Taking intention out of the equation makes no difference to me; I still have a burnt body needing months of kindness to recover mentally and physically.

I had therapy last week and the guy asked me about my feelings towards the individual who changed my body forever. I was aware of some underlying anger issues but the torrent of emotion that sprang forth surprised even me. I could hear myself expressing my internal struggle in a clear and precise explanation that any English teacher would be proud of and as I listened to my choice of words I thought, is that really me talking? I sounded horrible. According to my therapist this is normal, feelings following trauma are not neat or nice, in fact they are more of a chaotic, war-torn tumble fighting to get out first.

We are taught forgiveness from an early age by our parents, religion, school and even moralistic cartoons...but what if we can't forgive someone? Does that make us a bad person? After all 'it was an accident' I hear you chorus but if I had been set on fire intentionally, public outcry would have a different voice.
There are a couple of ways to cope with this loaded issue and until time calms the mental wound (because time does dull all) I have to employ them as best as possible. The kindest outlook to adopt is empathy. I find this helps humanise the individual rather than demonising them. From a distance it's easy to work yourself into a fury over the actions of this devil playing with flames. Reducing them back to the person they are; weak, vulnerable and just as much a pawn in life as you helps drain the poison out of your thoughts.

The second stance to take is one of a cat. I recently went to an Egyptian museum (Turin, Italy) where cats are featured prominently, worshipped as Gods. Cats rise above it all and look down at you from a great height with an aloof demeanour. They squint their green-slit eyes at the little people and purr, 'just who are you?' This is a great way to be when trapped in a situation like this, distanced and dignified. Someone has made a negative impact but they shouldn't be allowed to ruin your life. You should never give someone that power over you. An example would be my recent return to work. People kept asking if I'd be able to cope being in such close proximity to the site of the accident, people even asked if I was going to come back to work at all. I just keep thinking about how much I love my job and what a further punishment it would be if I couldn't return. Why should I be the one to leave? I will not allow someone else to influence my life more than they already have. Where I can kick against it I will, with narrowed eyes and a hiss escaping my lips, 'just who are you?'

Forgiveness is just another conflict in this long fight for victory and maybe this is a battle lost. Sometimes you have to learn to let one go. Yet as they say, I may have lost this battle but I will win the war.

It's good to talk...or write.

I know that counselling works. I've seen the statistics and I'm under no illusions that talking through things helps. Still, I can't get on with counselling so I've been referred to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I don't know how many of you reading have had counselling, probably more than I think! Perhaps it has suited some of you. Unfortunately I find it irritating and unhelpful. It gets on my nerves, revisiting the same old issues, ones that can't be changed. I've had an accident, there are scars on my arm now, it's not the same. I have no choice is this matter, so questioning me is not going to help me.

Counsellor: So how are you feeling about things?

Me: A bit rubbish.

Counseller: And why do you think that might be?

Me: Um, because I got set on fire?

I can never think of anything to ask the counsellor, so it became pretty much a one way conversation. And it was depressing. Let's spend the next hour discussing the worst moment of my life. (I almost added 'so far' here but resisted. This better be the worst!)

I'm hoping that CBT will be a bit more 'hands on' and look at solving issues rather than discussing them.

I was reading in my Psychologies magazine this month about 'how writing can help you heal.' Apparently James Pennebaker, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas did an experiment in the 1980s, getting his students to write down their feelings about an emotional upheaval for 15 to 20 minutes a day for 4 days. The students reported feeling better in a number of ways. Pennebaker went on to research this approach and found an improvement in a wide range of ailments from depression to asthma. He also found his subjects' immune systems were boosted and they visited their Doctors less often.

He believes that our minds are designed to try to understand and process things. Therefore writing down our thoughts and experiences helps to sift through them. Expressing them can help us make sense of trauma and cope more effectively.

Of course, that fits perfectly in with my blog. This has definitely helped me out more than traditional counselling!

PTSD - not all wounds are visible

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was something I studied in Psychology at College, not something I thought I would ever suffer from. Yet recently I was diagnosed with mild symptoms of the disorder and have been referred to a type of therapy known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is to minimise the chance of developing anxieties or phobias linked to the accident and 'trauma' suffered.

We know more about PTSD nowadays because lots of soldiers coming back from war will suffer from it due to the terrible experiences they have had. It is important to treat people after trauma in a timely fashion to stop the disorder eating them up and taking away their ability to live a fulfilled life. It can also lead to other problems such as alcohol dependency, depression and an inability to cope.

Although I've been told some of the symptoms I am experiencing are part of the disorder, I feel that most people who have suffered a trauma would display these feelings or behaviours. PTSD can be diagnosed if these symptoms are still prevalent after 6 weeks but I do feel that some of these may persist for months or longer. I think having a significant accident may make you always feel differently towards certain things.

An example would be strong, uncomfortable feelings related to situations related to the event. I am probably always going to be nervous around BBQs, bonfires and other sources of open flame or fire. I'm not sure these 'strong, uncomfortable feelings' will go away after 6 weeks. I'm not sure they will go away at all!

I am quite 'hyper-vigilant' but am hoping this will lessen over time. Apparently this is something that CBT will help with. Bright, electrical lights startle me, like gas flames or fireworks. When the fish-tank light came on the other night, I jumped out my seat! I also see accidents everywhere but I think this will lessen too. It's early days still.

I have also had palpitations a few times and can suddenly feel my heart pound in my chest. I constantly check for fire exits, refuse to get into lifts or move the oven gloves away from the hanging on the oven door!

I'm really pleased that I am being referred to CBT as although I think I'm doing really well in my recovery I'd hate to miss something and it escalate into an irrational fear. It's better to act early. As resilient as I am, I still need support to make sure I recover from this ordeal as well as I can.

The person who has had the accident needs to take action themselves but others can also help them by acting appropriately. If you know someone who has had an accident or trauma, follow this advice from the Royal College of Psychiatrists. There is nothing worse than people telling you how lucky you are! Believe me!

Do…….
*watch out for any changes in behaviour – poor performance at work, lateness, taking sick leave, minor accidents
*watch for anger, irritability, depression, lack of interest, lack of concentration
*take time to allow a trauma survivor to tell their story
*ask general questions
*let them talk, don’t interrupt the flow or come back with your own experiences.

Don’t …….
*tell a survivor you know how they feel – you don’t
*tell a survivor they’re lucky to be alive – it doesn't feel like that to them
*minimise their experience – “it’s not that bad, surely …”
*suggest that they just need to "pull themselves together".

Further information can be found on the Royal College of Psychiatrists website.