For Better Or for Worse - Back to Full Time work!

Having a full-time job is a bit like being in a serious relationship. It takes up all your time, it permanently occupies your mind and it can bring you amazing highs and horrible lows.  It can be very stressful.  It makes you leave the pub early.  Your colleagues became the family you've married into.  You spend more time in your marital house - your place of work - than your real house.  And, especially for teachers, you're expected to give everything for it.  In the end you're married to your job; til death do you part.

It's all a bit scary really.  Especially if, like me, you've had over a year to either do what you like or work very flexibly.  Obviously I was ill for a long time.  Up until February 2012 or perhaps later, I felt so unwell that the time was never that enjoyable.  I kept myself occupied and I managed but inside I often felt off-key; as if I was in the twilight zone.  (This feeling still ebbs back every so often but I know one day it will vanish.) It has only been recently that I've suddenly stopped and thought, 'I'm enjoying myself' fully and completely, without any hidden edge.  It is accompanied with a burst of pleasure and a strong sense of freedom; a winning combination.

So it's going to be hard to let go of that feeling when I'm back to the ball and chain from Monday.  Life is going to be given back to my career, one of my most serious relationships.  I'm back to a full-time post, for a whole school year! On Monday!  I am equally terrified and excited.  It feels like coming out of University and getting my first job again, except there are certain expectations there already.  These come not only from the post I occupy but also from myself.

I have high standards.   I can be a control freak.  These can be positive attributes in a teaching role as it means I prefer very good behaviour in my class and am very organised.  It also means I can beat myself up if I fall short and get very stressed when I discover I can't work all evening, keep the house clean, do the washing, go shopping and sleep.  I have to continuously negotiate with myself.

My main concerns are confidence based.  What if I can't manage anymore?  What if the expected workload is simply too high?  What if I get really tired?  (I love sleep.  One of the things I am most worried about is getting up at 6am everyday instead of 7.30-8am.  Hideous!)  What if I don't enjoy it anymore?  What if it's too stressful and the reminder of what happened gets in the way?

In a nutshell, it's the fear of failure that rings in my ears.

I have to remember that once I walk through those 70's swing doors, these worries will probably dissipate and be lost in the chatter of schoolchildren.

Because that's what is important to remember.

I've done it before.  I loved it.  I was good at it.  It might take me a little time to get up to speed (we have several new school structures, a new Head of English and 2 new GSCEs for me to get to grips with) but I have done it before, from scratch.  I could do it then and I will be able to do it again.  I must try to take it in my stride and enjoy it.

What have I learnt a-midst the horror and suffering of this past year?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.  JUST DO IT.  IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT...HAVE A GLASS OF WINE, WRITE AN ANGRY BLOG POST, THEN DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD!